Songs: Admin Suggestions





Name of Image

Admin selection from: Diluculi



Broken Arrows by Avicii
You stripped your love down to the wire
Fire shy and cold alone outside
You stripped it right down to the wire
But I see you behind those tired eyes

Now as you wade through the shadows that live in your heart
You'll find the light that leads home (home, home)
Cause I see you for you and your beautiful scars
So take my hand, don't let go

Cause it's not too late, it's not too late
I, I see the hope in your heart
And sometimes you lose and sometimes you're shooting
Broken arrows in the dark
But I, I see the hope in your heart

I've seen the darkness in the light
The kind of blue that leaves you lost and blind
The only thing that's black and white
Is that you don't have to walk alone this time

We have to tear down the walls that live in your heart
To find someone you call home (home, home)
Now you see me for me and my beautiful scars
So take my hand, don't let go

Cause it's not too late, it's not too late
I, I see the hope in your heart
And sometimes you lose and sometimes you're shooting
Broken arrows in the dark
But I, I see the hope in your heart

It's not too late, it's not too late
I see the hope in your heart
Sometimes you're losing, sometimes shooting
Broken arrows in the dark





Admin suggestion by DarlingAngel0565



You Don't Own Me by Grace ft G-Eazy
You don't own me
You don't own me

[G-Eazy:]
Well, let's go
But I'm Gerald and I can always have just what I want
She's that baddest I would love to flaunt
Take her shopping, you know Yves Saint Laurent
But nope, she ain't with it though
All because she got her own dough
Boss bossed if you don't know
She could never ever be a broke hoe

You don't own me
I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me
Don't say I can't go with other boys

Don't tell me what to do
And don't tell me what to say
Please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display

You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down cause I'd never stay

Don't tell me what to do
And don't tell me what to say
Please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display

[G-Eazy:]
Re-really though, honestly
I get bored of basic (No)
She's the baddest, straight up vicious, texting her asking her
If she's alone and if she'd sent some pictures, she said no (what)
Well goddamn, she said come over and see it for yourself
Never asking for your help, independent woman
She ain't for the shelf
Nah, she's the one
Smoke with her till the (Ahh)
Stayin' up until we see the sun
Baddest ever, I swear she do it better than I've ever seen it done
Never borrow, she ain't ever loan
That's when she told me she ain't never ever ever ever gonna be owned

I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I'm young and I love to be young
And I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please

Huh! Hey!
Ohh-oh noo
Ohh Noo no-oh
Hell No no no-ooh
Don't, you don't
Hey!
(You don't own me)
But just know (nah), you never met somebody like me before tho
(Nah nah nah nah nah nah)
(You don't own me)
Easy.

You don't own me





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



Okay by The Piano Guys
Doubt is a broken record that plays inside my head.
I try to turn it down, but I can't quite drown it out.
I'm tortured everyday, these never ending worries, Pulling on my sleeves.

So many times now I was supposed to tap out.
All the walls would fall down around me.
All anybody would tell me, Is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through.
But no matter what they say or what they say,
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).

No matter what you've been through here you are.
No matter if you think you're falling apart.
It's gonna be, OKAY!

And there is a battle raging in your heart but you must win.
It comes for all of us, saying we are not enough.
So fight for your life. The worlds gonna try.
To sell you some lies.

So many times now I was supposed to tap out.
All the walls would fall down around me.
All anybody would tell me, Is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through.
But no matter what they say or what they say,
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).

No matter what you've been through here you are.
No matter if you think you're falling apart.
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).
It's gonna be, OKAY!

It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).

No matter what you've been through here you are.
No matter if you think you're falling apart.

It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).
It's gonna be, OKAY!

WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! (It's gonna be, gonna be)
WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! (It's gonna be, OKAY!)
WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! (It's gonna be, gonna be)
WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! (It's gonna be, OKAY!)





Admin selection from Diluculi



Let's Write the Streets by Hundreds
For the first time
I can see your eyes
I am all alone
It is clear we fall from grace
We cannot walk away
away from each other

Medicate my heart
I medicate your heart
Its seems so wrong we stay
the coldest part will come
We built a perfect place
Picture each other

We are whitest sheets
let's write the streets
We are whitest sheets
let's write the streets

Do you sit with me
under the icicles
Give me your trembling hands
I don't wear kid gloves
As darkness is complete
please don't say a words

We will stumble
that's the way we walk
Please tell me everything
And maybe in the end
We even have lost the fear

We are whitest sheets
let's write the streets
We are whitest sheets
let's write the streets

the streets...

I tried
I tried
to walk alone
I tried
I tried
to walk alone





Admin Suggestion by Diluculi



7 Years by Lukas Graham
Once I was seven years old, my mama told me,
"Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely."
Once I was seven years old

It was a big big world, but we thought we were bigger
Pushing each other to the limits, we were learning quicker
By eleven smoking herb and drinking burning liquor
Never rich so we were out to make that steady figure

Once I was eleven years old, my daddy told me,
"Go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely."
Once I was eleven years old

I always had that dream, like my daddy before me
So I started writing songs, I started writing stories
Something about that glory just always seemed to bore me
'Cause only those I really love will ever really know me

Once I was twenty years old, my story got told
Before the morning sun, when life was lonely
Once I was twenty years old

(Lukas Graham!)

I only see my goals, I don't believe in failure
'Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major
I got my boys with me, at least those in favor
And if we don't meet before I leave, I hope I'll see you later

Once I was twenty years old, my story got told
I was writing about everything I saw before me
Once I was twenty years old

Soon we'll be thirty years old, our songs have been sold
We've traveled around the world and we're still roaming
Soon we'll be thirty years old

I'm still learning about life
My woman brought children for me
So I can sing them all my songs
And I can tell them stories
Most of my boys are with me
Some are still out seeking glory
And some I had to leave behind
My brother, I'm still sorry

Soon I'll be sixty years old, my daddy got sixty-one
Remember life, and then your life becomes a better one
I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once
I hope my children come and visit once or twice a month

Soon I'll be sixty years old, will I think the world is cold
Or will I have a lot of children who can warm me?
Soon I'll be sixty years old

Soon I'll be sixty years old, will I think the world is cold
Or will I have a lot of children who can warm me?
Soon I'll be sixty years old

Once I was seven years old, my mama told me,
"Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely."
Once I was seven years old

Once I was seven years old





Admin Suggestion from Diluculi



My Mind is a Box by Pretty Balanced
my attention is cashed so don't
talk to me anymore be the
subject terrifying or
important or pure
my cigarettes are spent so don't
expect productivity be the
matter just or crucial or
personal or reactive
my mind is a box and you put things in and you
take things out and it's empty
my mind is a box and you gut it then and you
flatten it and you leave me blank and the
world is big my body's small my
body's short the world is tall

so fill me up with chemicals or
other people's words
i shout it from this pretty hole in
modes and fifths and thirds
my mind is a box
my mind is a lie
my mind

my mind is a line running down my spine
like a vine of green and psychedelic
iridescent rainbows
my body is built like a function of mechanics
like a robot when he gives himself his
own petty instructions
my mind is a box and you put things in and you
take things out and it's empty
my mind is a box and you gut it then and you
flatten it and you leave me blank and the
world is big my body's small my
body's short the world is tall

so fill me up with chemicals or
other people's words
i shout it from this pretty hole in
modes and fifths and thirds
i steep up an infusion there and
pour it on these keys
i'm influenced so easily so
influence me please
just
fill me up with chemicals or
other people's words
i shout it from this pretty hole in
modes and fifths and thirds
i steep up an infusion there and
pour it on these keys
i'm influenced so easily so
influence me please
i'm influenced so easily so
influence me please





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



Silent All These Years
By Tori Amos
Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years

So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best praya that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven
Where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there

Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you here
Take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice [x3]

And it's been here
Silent All These Years
I've been here
Silent All These Years





Admin Suggestion from Diluculi



Watch Me Rise by Mikky Ekko
"Watch Me Rise"

When it's cold out, when the night is still
And you're standing alone
I'll be racing when the lights go out
And you're losing control
Higher, higher, higher we go
Tell me, tell me we're close enough to touch the Sun, the Sun
Higher, higher, higher we go
Tell me, tell me the journey's only just begun, begun

I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing
Even when the rest are falling, the rest are falling
The rest are falling
I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing
Even when the best are falling, the best are falling
The best are falling
You say, say my name
Cause once I get my head above the clouds
I'm never coming down
Say, say my name
Cause once I get my head above the cloudy skies
Watch me rise
Watch me rise

Now paranoia's setting in and I'm falling from these stars again
While every part of me screams, "hold on"
Cause if you can't learn to bend then you break
Oh my God, how long does it take?
Every lesson we learned took so long
But it made us strong

I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing
Even when the rest are falling, the rest are falling
The rest are falling
I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing
Even when the best are falling, the best are falling
The best are falling
You say, say my name
Cause once I get my head above the clouds
I'm never coming down
Say, say my name
Cause once I get my head above the cloudy skies
Watch me rise
Watch me rise

Higher, higher, higher we go
Right into the fire we go

I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing
Even when the rest are falling, the rest are falling
The rest are falling
I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing
Even when the best are falling, the best are falling
The best are falling
You say, say my name
Cause once I get my head above the clouds
I'm never coming down
Say, say my name
Cause once I get my head above the cloudy skies
Watch me rise
Watch me rise





Admin Suggestion from Diluculi



Me and a Gun by Tori Amos
5am
Friday morning
Thursday night
Far from sleep
I'm still up and driving
Can't go home
obviously
So I'll just change direction
Cause they'll soon know where I live
And I wanna live

Got a full tank and some chips
It was me and a gun
And a man on my back
And I sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants
You can laugh
It's kind of funny things you think
at times like these
Like I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this

Yes I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread
For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed

Me and a gun
and a man
On my back
But I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this
Yes I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread
For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed
And I know what this means
Me and Jesus a few years back
Used to hang and he said
"It's your choice babe just remember
I don't think you'll be back in 3 days time
So you choose well"
Tell me what's right
Is it my right to be on my stomach
of Fred's Seville

Me and a gun
and a man
On my back
But I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this

And do you know Carolina
Where the biscuits are soft and sweet
These things go through you head
When there's a man on your back
And you're pushed flat on your stomach
It's not a classic Cadillac

Me and a gun
and a man
On my back
But I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this





Admin suggestion from Diluculi



Wake Me Up by Avicii Home Free A Cappella Cover
Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

[2x]
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans

Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is the prize

[2x]
So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

Didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know (didn't know, didn't know)





Admin suggestion from Diluculi



Unbreakable by Conchita Wurst
Without a warning or reason why
He walked away with no goodbye.
He was your everything
That's what you thought
'Til he tore your heart out and ripped it up

Bitter memories without a cure
How did you pull yourself off from the floor?
You lost the battle but not the war
Look at you now!
Look at you

From the pieces of your shattered world
You made a grit into a pearl
Now you shine, you're beautiful
You're unbreakable.

And nobody can hurt you now
No, nobody can bring you down
'Cause you're strong, you're beautiful,
You're unbreakable.

Now in the mirror who do you see?
You're not the one you used to be, so naive
The story's over there once upon
You turned the page, now you're moving on

Bitter memories they have no end
When you decided not to look back
You lost the battle but that was then,
So look at you now!
Look at you

From the pieces of your shattered world
You made a grit into a pearl
Now you shine, you're beautiful
You're unbreakable.

And nobody can hurt you now
No, nobody can bring you down
'Cause you're strong, you're beautiful,
You're unbreakable.

That's what you are
Invincible, inside your heart
You lost the battle, but healed the scars
Now you're unbreakable

From the pieces of your shattered world
You made a grit into a pearl
Now you shine, you're beautiful
You're unbreakable.

And nobody can hurt you now
No, nobody can bring you down
'Cause you're strong, you're beautiful,
You're unbreakable.





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



In Your Room by Halestorm
Let me in your room
I've seen the rest of you
But I know there's something more in your room
I'm right outside your door
Show me things you've never shown before

A few pictures from your past
And those walls you painted black
And the secrets that you keep under your bed
All you have to do is let me in your room

You can be yourself
You don't have to hide from me, I won't tell
I know everyone you've ever trusted has let you down
And you don't want to come out
And show me, show me

A few pictures from your past
And those walls you painted black
And the secrets that you keep under your bed
All you have to do is let me in your room

You know every part of me
I let you in, I let you see
All the dark and every color of my room
Let me do that for you
And tell me all about your past
Why you painted those walls black
Baby it's all right, you're safe in here with me
Open up so I can see

A few pictures from your past
And those walls you painted black
And the secrets that you keep under your bed
An unopened letter from your dad
A poster of your favorite band
It don't matter I'll take every part of you
All you have to do is let me in your room

Let me in your room
Let me in your room





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



This Time by Guano Apes
"The more you explaining me, the less I'm sure
The more I can see, the less I want to know
I don't want your secret just keep them away
I'm trapped in your moment, there's no time to waste
I fill up my heart and start to move on

'Cause this time I have learnt how to say good bye, my friend
This time I won't hide in the shade of night again
This time I don't need anyone to believe in me
This time I will make sure you won't feel insecure

We look up into the moon, and counting stars
I travel around the world, to find myself far
I walked down the valley, smile on my face
Live is so easy if you know the taste
I fill up your heart and start to move on

'Cause this time I have learnt how to say good bye, my friend
This time I won't hide in the shade of night again
This time I don't need anyone to believe in me
This time I will make sure you won't feel insecure

This time I will make sure you won't feel it, insecure
This time you come with me
We keep falling
And on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on...

'Cause this time I have learnt how to say good bye, my friend
This time I won't hide in the shade of night again
This time I don't need anyone to believe in me
This time I will make sure you won't feel insecure"





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



Transform by Isabella Bennett
Lyrics not found,
But they are easy to understand





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



Rise Like a Phoenix by Conchita Wurst
Waking in the rubble
Walking over glass
Neighbors say we’re trouble
Well that time has passed

Peering from the mirror
No, that isn’t me
Stranger getting nearer
Who can this person be

You wouldnt know me at all today
From the fading light I fly

Rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I’m reborn
You know I will rise like a phoenix
But you're my flame

Go about your business
Act as if you’re free
Noone could have witnessed
What you did to me

Cause you wouldn’t know me today
And you have got to see
To believe
From the fading light I fly

Rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I’m reborn

I rise up to the sky
You threw me down but
I'm gonna fly

And rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I’m reborn
You know I will rise like a phoenix
But you’re my flame





Admin suggestion from Diluculi



How to Save a Life by The Fray
Step one, you say, "We need to talk."
He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
'Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
Pray to God, he hears you
And I pray to God, he hears you

And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

How to save a life





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



Stay With Me by Shakespeare's Sister


If this world is wearing thin
And you're thinking of escape
I'll go anywhere with you
Just wrap me up in chains

But if you try to go out alone
Don't think I'll understand
Stay with me
Stay with me

In the silence of your room
In the darkness of your dreams
You must only think of me
There can be no in between

When your pride is on the floor
I'll make you beg for more
Stay with me
Stay with me

You'd better hope and pray that you make it safe
Back to your own world
You'd better hope and pray that you'll wake one day
In your own world

'Cause when you sleep at night they don't hear your cries
In your own world
Only time will tell if you can break the spell
Back in your own world

Stay with me
Stay with me
Stay, stay with me
Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay
Stay with me





Found by our admin Diluculi



Supergirl by Reamonn
You can tell by the way
She walks that she's my girl
You can tell by the way she talks she rules the world
You can see in her eyes that no one is her Chief
She's my girl my Super girl

And then she'd say it's OK I got lost on the way
But I'm a Super girl and Super girls don't cry
And then she'd say its all right I got home late last night
But I'm a Super girl and Super girls just fly

And then she'd say that nothing can go wrong
When you're in love what can go wrong
And then she'd laugh the nighttime into the day
Pushing her fears further along

And then she'd say it's OK I got lost on the way
But I'm a Super girl and Super girls don't cry
And then she'd say it's all right I got home late last night
But I'm a Super girl and Super girls just fly

Then she'd shout down the line tell me she's got no more time
Cause she's a Super girl and Super girls don't cry
Then she'd scream in my face tell me to leave, leave this place
Cause she's a Super girl and Super girls just fly
She's a Super girl a Super girl

She's sewing seeds she's burning trees
She's sewing seeds she's burning trees
She's a Super girl a Super girl
A Super girl my Super girl





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



I'll Keep Your Secrets by Trans-Siberian Orchestra
LOST IN YOUR DARK
I SEE YOU THERE
WHAT DO YOU SEE BEYOND YOUR STARE
AND YOU BELIEVE THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN KNOW

WHAT IS THIS THING YOU KEEP INSIDE
OUT OF THE LIGHT AND WRAPPED IN PRIDE
ALWAYS AFRAID THAT ONE DAY IT WILL SHOW

I'LL KEEP YOUR SECRETS
I'LL HOLD YOUR GROUND
AND WHEN THE DARKNESS STARTS TO FALL
I'LL BE AROUND THERE WAITING
WHEN DREAMS ARE FADING
AND FRIENDS ARE DISTANT AND FEW

KNOW AT THAT MOMENT I'LL BE THERE WITH YOU
WHAT ARE THESE VOICES THAT YOU HEAR
ARE THEY TOO FAR OR FAR TOO NEAR
WHAT ARE THESE THINGS THAT ECHO FROM THE PAST

WHO ARE THESE GHOSTS YOU SEE AT NIGHT
THERE IN THE SHADOWS OF YOUR LIFE
THEY ONLY LIVE BY THE LIGHT YOU CAST

I'LL KEEP YOUR SECRETS
I'LL HOLD YOUR GROUND
AND WHEN THE DARKNESS STARTS TO FALL
I'LL BE AROUND THERE WAITING
WHEN DREAMS ARE FADING
AND FRIENDS ARE DISTANT AND FEW

KNOW AT THAT MOMENT I'LL BE THERE WITH YOU

I'LL BE AROUND
WHEN THERE'S NO REASON LEFT TO CARRY ON
AND EVERY DREAM YOU'VE EVER HAD IS GONE
AND THE DARK IS DEEP AND BLACK WITHOUT A SOUND
AND EVERY STAR HAS BEEN DRAGGED TO THE GROUND
KNOW AT THAT MOMENT I WILL BE AROUND
KNOW AT THAT MOMENT I WILL BE AROUND





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



Stay By My Side by Fiddlers Green
"Stay by my side
And help me through the night
The wind's blowing cold
Stay by side
Lock out the world tonight
There's just you and me
So please become reality

Sometimes you feel a stabbing pain
Which tells your wicked rambling brain
That you're all alone
The lights go out all voices die
You're small and fragile but you try
To roll back the stone

So could you be a place
A place for me and all these days
When all that I know
Is that I want you to stay

You're still a dream of hope to me
An angel of my fantasy
I want you to be real
So give me shelter keep me warm
Find me a highway through the storm
I want to go home

God speed you to love
God speed you to love"






Admin Selection by Diluculi



Smiles for Life by Alex Boye

"I'm singing in harmony, in the key of you and me
We only got one life to live, so live it well
They say that time will heal everything
So don't give up on tomorrow, keep that smile
Upon your face, and wear it well, wear it well

Woah, I feel like a child, Laughing all the while
I'd walk a hundred million miles to see you smile for life
Let me see you smile let me see you smile
Let me see you smile for life (Smile for life)

Oh I keep l living for this moment wishing all my dreams
come true, if you never try, you never fail
So try it well, so now I stand upon this mountain
and Im talking to the wind, it says to do what
Makes me happy, and do it well, do it well

woah, I feel like a child, laughing all the while
I'd walk a hundred million miles to see you smile for life
Let me see you smile let me see you smile
Let me see you smile for life (Smile for life)

So now i stand on this mountain
And i'm talking to the wind
My smile reflects so many things
thats good about, my hopes and dreams

Let me see you smile let me see you smile
Let me see you smile for life (Smile for life)
Smile for peace, smile for joy
Smile for every girl and boy
Its the things we love that bring us life
Breath it in and smile for life, Smile for life."





Admin selection by Diluculi from the journal of LiliWrites


Morning Comes by Delta Rae
"Oh, oh. I found a good woman, I found a job that pays.
The tide comes in, I watch it all wash away.
But I'm keeping it steady, that's just how I was raised
Head held up, walking tall into each broken wave

And this heart grows tired
I found a good woman
I found a job that pays
The tide comes in, I watch it all wash away
But I’m keeping it steady, that’s just how I was raised
Head held up walking tall into each breaking wave

’Cause the devil’s in the details and he’s taking his toll
Sending good men down the foot trails of some lost lonely souls

And I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes

So I’m working the graveyard, I don’t sleep till it’s light
Ain’t calling in favors, I can’t swallow my pride
And the bank’s on a mission, they want to read me my rights
But they ever show up around here, they’re going to be in for a fight

’Cause the devil’s in my hometown and I ain’t telling him no
’Cause it’s my family, it’s my love now, that I’m scared to let go

And I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes

Followed the track of my needle
Tried to be good to my people
So why’s there no peace?
No break no relief

Can I be blamed if I’m angry?
Can I be saved if I’m barely clinging to hope?
I’m clinging to hope

When I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes

It always rains down on us
And like an old dog lying by a new gravestone
It’s still our home
It’s still our home

So if you ever feel like you are alone
After the night
The morning comes"





Admin selection from Diluculi



The Messinian Letter by Tiamat
"Look outside the window
Baby everything will be just fine
In just a little moment
The dark is gone and the sun will start to shine
And all the clouds of grey, the are not yours
So please let me see your smile again
You are my only friend
And I want you to be happy again
I know what you've been trough
And I know what has to come
But please don't try to face it all along
'Cause you are my only friend
You are my only friend
I am here beside you now
To help you and to guide you to the light
Today my darling little birds are singing and the sun is shining bright
And all the clouds of grey, the are not yours
So please let me see you smile again
You are my only friend
And I want you to be happy again
I know what you've been through
And I know what has to come
But please don't try to face it along
'Cause you are my only friend
You are my only friend
Look beyond these corridors and the darkness in your soul
I am here to drag you up from the empty hole
Try to look beyond all the sad things in the world
There will be more wars and deaths before all flags are furled
But you are my only friend
You are my only friend..."





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



Laura by Bat for Lashes
You say that they've all left you behind
Your heart broke when the party died
Drape your arms around me and softly say
Can we dance upon the tables again?

When your smile is so wide and your heels are so high
You can't cry
Put your glad rags on and let's sing along
To that lonely song

You're the train that crashed my heart
You're the glitter in the dark
Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar

And in this horror show
I've got to tell you so
Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar

You say that you're stuck in a pale blue dream
And your tears feel hot on my bedsheets
Drape your arms around me and softly say
Can we dance upon the tables again?

When your smile is so wide and your heels are so high
You can't cry
Put your glad rags on and let's sing along
To that lonely song

You're the train that crashed my heart
You're the glitter in the dark
Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar

You'll be famous for longer than them
Your name is tattooed on every boy's skin
Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar

You're the train that crashed my heart
You're the glitter in the dark
Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar

And in this old horror show
I've got to let you know
Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar
You're more than a superstar...





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



You Owe Me Nothing in Return by Alanis Morissette
I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet you wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return





Admin suggestion by Diluculi



Weak by Skunk Anansie
Lost in time I can`t count the words
(I) said when I thought they went unheard
All of those harsh thoughts so unkind
`Cause I wanted you

(And) now I sit here I`m all alone
So here sits a bloody mess, tears fly home
A circle of angels, deep in war
`Cause I wanted you

Weak as I am, no tears for you
Weak as I am, no tears for you
Deep as I am, I`m no ones fool
Weak as I am

So what am I now I'm loves last home
I`m all of the soft words I once owned
If I opened my heart, there`d be no space for air
`Cause I wanted you

In this tainted soul
In this weak young heart
Am I too much for you






Admin suggestion by Diluculi



Guardian Angel
By Lovex
Through the darkness and broken glass
I'll come for you, if you only ask
And there i'll stand
Just for you

Million miles between our lives
can't keep us apart from our grieving hearts
sealed with love
God speed my darling

For your name
I'm calling
For our love
I'm falling... on my knees

And if you cry, i'll hold your head up high
I'll be there by your side
I will be your guardian angel
And if you cry, i'll hold your head up high
I'll be there by your side
I will be your guardian angel

In the garden of lonely love
I'll wait for you, 'till the time will come
When i see you smile
Just for me

Love and loss embrace the pain
You can't hide your tears in the rain
I'll be there
Just wait my darling

And if you cry, i'll hold your head up high
I'll be there by your side
I will be your guardian angel
And if you cry, i'll hold your head up high
I'll be there by your side
I will be your guardian angel
I will do the things that I can to light your life and see you smile
And it brakes my heart in two...

'til I see you smile
just for me
'til I hear you breath
calm and free
and until you sleep
I won't let you grieve







Admin Suggestion by Diluculi



Kiss of Hope
By Negative
Once upon a time you were a child
And you started this endless fight
Life is built on a dream, disappointment, stormy seas
Always hoped for so much more
Than life had offered you before
Now you start to see new things
Like a flower blooms in spring

A new day will come
And you'll find all the answers
And the kiss of hope
Comes powerful and fast
As you feel so alive, for the first time in your life
You are relieved

Never lost your faith in me, even when we lost belief
We were silent and displaced
We always knew we'd find our way

Look around and you will see
There is so much love for you to receive even in our darkest days
We always knew we'd find our way

A new day will come
And you'll find all the answers...

And I see this world is beautiful
Full of opportunities
It was made for you and me

A new day will come
And you'll find all the answers
And the kiss of hope
Comes powerful and fast
As you feel so alive, for the first time in your life
A new day will born






Admin suggestion by Diluculi



Neverending Parade
By Negative
Loving arms around us for you`re the
kind who needs refuge, your loving
eyes see right through me, cannot
play a saint, cannot pretend...

Neverending rain on your little
parade, nothing to do with a love affair.
When heaven cries I will be near you
and walk with you through all your pain

Do not forget what we are,
until the end, meant to be one.
When heaven cries and you are
gone, you stole my soul,
it breaks my heart.







Admin Suggestion by Diluculi



White Night Fantasy
By Nightwish
Enchantress came to me
And said, meet me at the lake tonight

I hunt this song to the white
Through the shroud of snow I saw paradise
Peace, no more lies

Crestfallen soul
Rest for this night
Love is here
Right here under my wings

I dream of wolves
With them I run
For me she lengthened the night
I am home
I am in peace

Crestfallen soul
Rest for this night
Love is here
Right here under my wings






Admin suggestion by Diluculi



This Will Make You Love Again
By IMAX
When the joys of living just leave you cold
Frozen from the failing mess you've made your own
And if you want an ending to your screenplay life
Well here's the consolation
That will change your heart and mind

And all the glitz messiah's just pass the time
A cure for no real sickness, cross your hopes and die
Your supermarket jesus comes with smiles and lies
Where justice he delays is always justice he denies

This will make you love again...

And now you're safe
Love again
To feel the rays
Love again
The sweet delays
Love again
And shoot the breeze

Early thursday mornings
Wipe away the flies
The crossfire fight for action
In between your thighs
And every touch is sacred
When they leave the room
If i have to switch the lights off
I wanna switch them off with you

This will make you love again...

And now you're safe
Love again
To feel the rays
Love again
The sweet delays
Love again
And shoot the breeze
Love again






Found it on a journal by Contradictory55 and HAD to share it with you. - Diluculi



On The Brightside
By Never Shout Never
I met a man of two feet tall
This man was quite ambitious
In a world that is so vicious to us all
I said, "Hi," as he replied
He said, "Listen to these words
That I have lived by my whole life

"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be
And you're only as small as the world will make you seem
When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall
Just look on the brightside - you're roughly six feet tall"

I met a man of 12 feet tall
He towered like a giant
In a world that was defiant of his height
I said, "Hi," as he replied
He said, "Listen to these words
That I have dreaded my whole life

"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be
And you're only as small as the world will make you seem
When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall
Just look on the brightside - you're roughly six feet tall."

I am a man of six feet tall
Just looking for some answers
In a world that answers none of them at all
I'll say, "Hi," but not reply
To the letters that you write
Because I found some peace of mind

Cause I'm only as tall as my heart will let me be
And I'm only as small as the world will make me seem
When the going gets rough and I feel like I may fall
I'll look on the brightside - I'm roughly six feet tall.




By qwibes.



Don't Carry It All -- The Decemberists
By Lindsey Stirling and Shaun Canon
Here we come to a turning of the season
Witness to the arc towards the sun
A neighbor's blessed burden within reason
Becomes a burden borne of all and one

And nobody, nobody knows
Let the yoke fall from our shoulders
Don't carry it all, don't carry it all
We are all our hands and holders
Beneath this bold and brilliant sun
And this I swear to all

A monument to build beneath the arbors
Upon a plinth that towers towards the trees
Let every vessel pitching hard to starboard
Lay its head on summer's freckled knees

And nobody, nobody knows
Let the yoke fall from our shoulders
Don't carry it all, don't carry it all
We are all our hands and holders
Beneath this bold and brilliant sun
And this I swear to all, this I swear to all

There a wreath of trillium and ivy
Laid upon the body of a boy
Lazy will the loam come from its hiding
Return this quiet searcher to soil

So raise a glass to turnings of the season
And watch it as it arcs towards the sun
And you must bear your neighbor's burden within reason
And your labors will be born when all is done

And nobody, nobody knows
Let the yoke fall from our shoulders
Don't carry it all, don't carry it all
We are all our hands and holders
Beneath this bold and brilliant sun
And this I swear to all, and this I swear to all

And this I swear to all, and this I swear to all
To all, to all, to all





Suggested by qwibes as an admin song suggestion. Think of it this way: You may think that you are heading to the place with the best views (wherever you believe you end up when you die) but you will be missed even for something as simple as your hair or your walk.



When I'm Gone (Cups)
By Anna Kendrick From Pitch Perfect
I got my ticket for the long way round
Two bottles of whiskey for the way
And I sure would like some sweet company
And I'm leaving tomorrow
what you say

When I'm gone...
When I'm gone..
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my hair
You're gonna miss me everywhere
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

When I'm gone
When I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my walk...Ohh
You're gonna miss me by my talk
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I got my ticket for the long way round
The one with the prettiest of views
It's got mountains, it's got rivers
Its got sights to give you shivers
But it sure would be prettier with you

When I'm gone
When I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my walk
You're gonna miss me by my talk
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

When I'm gone
When I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my hair
You're gonna miss me everywhere
Oh, you're sure gonna miss me when I'm gone

When I'm gone
When I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my walk
You're gonna miss me by my talk
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone




Suggested by Diluculi.



You Are Not Alone
By Michael Jackson
Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

'Lone, 'lone
Why, 'lone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

you are not alone
I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone...
Not alone ohh
You are not alone
You are not alone
Say it again
You are not alone
You are not alone
Not alone, Not alone
If you just reach out for me girl
In the morning, in the evening
Not alone, not alone
You and me not alone
Oh together together
Not not being alone
Not not being alone



You-R Heard





Name of Image


Volume #2
From PoetryOD

I had the opportunity to ask PoetryOD some questions, because I knew she would be honest in answering them and because I knew she has a lot to share and a lot of insight. Muffin is one of the poets I've known longest on DA, and she helped me out with a speech for my son's memorial in 2013 when I needed someone to say something profound, loving, kind and intelligent. She writes such brilliant work as:

And is currently in experimenting with performance poetry and even reading these wonderful things aloud...which is more than I have ever done as I'm too shy to share my poetry face-to-face with people. It's too raw, my real poetry, touches me too deeply and contains emotions (or lack thereof) which I feel (or don't) so deep it would make people uncomfortable - because people can't deal with realness. But Muffin has performed poetry that is so deep it's a coal-mine of wealth.

That said, let's get on with the interview then...shall we?



Question One
What illness/illnesses do you face everyday? This can be mental health and physical health.

:bulletred: Mixed personality disorder

:bulletred: Mood dysthymia...

:bulletred: ...with major depressive episodes

:bulletred: Social anxiety disorder

:bulletred: Binge eating disorder

:bulletred: Suicidal ideation

:bulletred: Complicated grief

:bulletred: Recovering self harmer

Question Two
What does it feel like to have your illness/illnesses?

They all affect me in different ways but they combine to be a whirlwind. I most often feel isolated, alone, unloved, unlovable, worthless, sad, afraid, panicked, dirty, broken. I am phobic of being percieved negatively (this is a simplistic way of explaining social anxiety disorder) and people are involved in almost everything we do in life so every day has the potential to make me lose control and there's no way of telling when or why. I have had to develop a lot of coping mechanisms to get by in day to day life. Some of the coping mechanisms I developed became part of the problem... now it often feels like I'm crazy because I'm crazy.

Question Three
Explain it/them in layman's terms.

:bulletred: Mixed personality disorder
This one is impossible to explain as a diagnosis because it means a combination of 9 or more symptoms from a list... but the list is pretty long so the possible combinations are around 9000. Which means thousands of people could have the same diagnosis but it means something completely different. I think its kind of a catch-all. It means your brain isn't functioning properly in some way. For me, its boundaries. I don't have any. The automatic reflex to protect myself above other people is absent (although I am slowly building it up over the past 6 years, so I am up to about 5% now, compared to 0%). This means I go above and beyond for my friends, which I love... but it means I will push myself to the point of breaking and beyond, over and over, for silly things. I once was in so much pain I was about to attempt suicide, but I postponed it because I remembered I needed to cook an aquaintance a birthday cake. Not even a good friend. To my brain, thats logical, its only in retrospect I realise that it doesnt make sense. My disorder means I can't protect myself from harm. If I try to I see it as being selfish or immoral and it makes me hate myself more, and I often become intensely self-destructive. If something I do or say upsets someone, the same. If a friend hurts my feelings I won't tell them because I 'don't see the point'. Recently I told a friend they hurt my feelings which made them sad. The fact they were sad because they'd upset me, made me feel guilty and subsequently suicidal. My brain cannot 'excuse' hurting people even in situations like that because basically I have no value and everyone else does. My behaviour makes me a 'great friend' which is positive re-enforcement and makes it really hard to change my behaviours...

:bulletred: Mood dysthymia...
Consistently low mood. If you took the average of how a humans supposed to feel, apparently on average I'm below that. So my medium days are lower than the average persons. This can cause confusion. When my friends ask how I am I often say I'm okay, or fine. This usually means pretty miserable, but my scale is different. For me, if I'm not suicidal or self harming I am so used to unhappiness that to me, I genuinely believe thats 'fine'. It scares me that I don't have a 'happy' to compare to.

:bulletred: ...with major depressive episodes
Extreme pits of darkness and hell. Can't move because limbs are so heavy. Can't breathe because crying so hard, heart physically throbbing with self hatred, hitting walls and my own head wishing I could will my body to stop working and let me go. Usually ties in quite quickly with my suicidal ideation or self harm. Once I fall into an episode I have to try and endure it, they can't be dispelled. I tend to notice them as they start and try and keep myself busy to put them off, and sometimes that works, but if I wake up and I can't move then I am done for 2 - 3 days of crying and screaming and begging to let me die. Its relentless agony but from the inside of your skull so you can't escape it.

:bulletred: Social anxiety disorder
Like a phobia of being percieved negatively. Its often mislabelled as a phobia of people... but the issue is I'm projecting what I think badly of myself onto others and that triggers me most of the time. I'm not a shy person, I would never describe myself that way, but I am very anxious. This disorder is the one that stopped me from leaving my house for 7 and a half years. I can't answer the phone, make appointments, go to new appointments by myself, go to new places alone, go to crowded places alone, do presentations or interviews or be in any kind of situation in which I know in advance someone will be judging me, I can't learn to drive... I am very hard on myself and will always focus on what I did wrong and worry that everyone else did too. It is almost impossible for me to think I did a good job at something if other people are involved.

:bulletred: Binge eating disorder
I've only admitted to this in the past year and its still difficult to talk about due to the one above... Its an eating disorder. Thats all I can say. Sorry. Not ready to be open about this yet.

:bulletred: Suicidal ideation
Daily, sometimes hourly and on really bad days minutely thoughts of ending my life. How, when, why etc. An obsession and a compulsion. Its the term used for people who want to commit suicide continuously for a long long time, often with attempts. For me its been 11 years.

:bulletred: Complicated grief
Complicated grief is when you lose someone and your brain doesnt recover from it. It can last months or years. It leaves a person in a sustained period of grieving rather than proceeding through various stages of grief and reaching acceptance and moving on.

:bulletred: Recovering self harmer
I am a self harmer, since I was 15. Self harm is extremely addictive so I consider it one of my mental health issues.

Question Four
How do you feel? Do you feel?
I feel a lot. Professionals, friends, family members, lots of people have told me that I'm not crazy I am just hyper aware of reality, and a lot of the time I think thats true. I don't hallucinate or feel like anything I feel isn't warranted. I make myself feel bad because I think I am a bad person and I understand, from what I'm told, that that is my perception and not reality. But aside from that, everything I do or say or think is logical. Its just that the world sucks, it hurts, and I can't forget that.

Question Five
How was your illness/were your illnesses diagnosed?
This question is so fucking important it makes me tearful.

TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR.

and if that doesn't work, TALK TO A DIFFERENT DOCTOR.

I went to the doctor at 15 after I'd started self harming and was told there was nothing wrong with me. At 17 I stopped leaving the house. I heard about social anxiety disorder on the internet and went to my doctor asking if it could be that and she was like 'oh shit... yeah...' and from then on my GP (I changed GP 20 times!) was on my side, but even though I couldnt go outside or answer the phone or have my friends in my house, when my GP referred me to the mental health services they kept saying there was nothing wrong with me.

I attempted suicide a bunch of times, kept begging for help, and was refused repeatedly until I was 23. If you think somethings wrong, you are RIGHT. Not even 'probably'. It might only be something easily fixed or it might be something really wrong but if you think your brain is doing something bad, you are the only one inside it. You know best.

People often use the 'you're just doing this for attention' spiel. My response to that is, if you are in such desperate need of attention then that in itself is a sign that somethings wrong. Don't listen to anyone else. Demand help. You can't think your way out of a mental health issue from the inside without help.

Question Six
What's the recovery time? Is there hope for recovery?
Right now my doctors won't talk about this kind of thing with me. My eating disorder, my possible trauma issues with sex, they are almost irrelevant because they are just trying to stop me committing suicide. I don't think there will ever be a day when I am 'mentally well' 100%... I just would like to be able to appreciate good things and happiness and have the coping mechanisms to deal with the sadness too... I think that might be enough for me... It'll take a long time. I've already been working for about 6 years on this and most of my progress is from like 0% to 5%.. I have to think of my recovery as a day at a time because realistically its likely to be decades for me to be happy.

Question Seven
How do you treat it/them? Do you need medication? Psychologists? Psychiatrists? Others?
I have psychotherapy, a care-co-ordinator and the option of medications. I am taking a break from medications because I've been given a whole bunch of different ones for years and years and none of them have helped me yet and with the pressure I'm under at university I need to focus on my psychotherapy and balancing my life, which is still really hard for me. Right now I am getting by so its not the right time to risk a new medication, but I know it'll be time in the next year probably. I am pro-meds. I just haven't found the right ones for me.

The way I see it, its like breaking your leg. You don't take painkillers to recover from a broken leg, you do physiotherapy. But you take painkillers to make it so you can do the physiotherapy. Meds are a way to keep going while your brain heals through other things. Therapy or for some people just life. Some people take them always, if thats what works for them thats good and no one elses business.

Question Seven
Share a bit of your journey with us.
Being on DeviantART helped me feel like I had a value doing something. My writing helped people, or thats what they said and so many people said it I struggled to ignore it. Eventually I tried other things (running online events for charity etc) and found that I could do things. I did have skills. I was capable of doing things. I tried to push myself by doing those things on a bigger scale. Writing, but at university. Event planning, but in the real world. Using a base where I knew I had succeeded before and pushing outward. DeviantART and my event planning business helped me leave the house again.

Question Eight
Apart from treatment, what helps you cope? Music? (Share a clip) Movies? (Share some titles) Art/Writing? (Share some of your favourites)
I stay busy. I don't recommend this, my doctors tell me usually this makes people worse and stressed out, but its what I have to do. If I am left alone with my thoughts I can spiral to suicidal within minutes. I keep my mind occupied at all times until exhaustion, then I sleep, and repeat. Sleep is my best friend. I recommend getting a dog. It saved my life (not hyperbolic).

Question Nine
Any words of wisdom to end off with, either from you or quoted from someone else?
There's this old phrase that goes something like 'courage is not the absence of fear, but the overcoming of it' that I cling to a lot. And when things get hard, I replace the word 'fear' with 'pain'. It hurts. I know it hurts. Keep going anyway. Because you have no option but to fight. Your brain wants you to survive, or else you wouldn't be reading articles like this searching for hope or inspiration or answers. So fight. Give up on giving up. If you have to fight then commit to it. And one day at a time, survive.




Volume #1
From Farand

Green pine trees, cranes and turtles…
You must tell a story of your hard times,
And laugh twice.
— From Oiwai-Ondo

On 30 June 2015 I was diagnosed with Avoidant [Anxious] Personality Disorder:

Individuals with Avoidant Personality Disorder grow up with excessive social anxiety and withdrawal. They have a longstanding pattern of shyness, feelings of inferiority, and hypersensitivity to rejection/embarrassment. The core features of this disorder are: (1) negative emotion (anxiousness (fear of rejection/embarrassment)), and (2) detachment (withdrawal, intimacy avoidance, and anhedonia [decreased ability to feel pleasure]). This disorder is only diagnosed if: (1) it begins no later than early adulthood, (2) these behaviors occur at home, work, and in the community, and (3) these behaviors lead to clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Source: http://mentalhealth.com/home/dx/avoidantpersonality.html

As the god Brilliantine says in Halldór Laxness's The Atom Station: 'I have always known that I was different from others.' Growing up, I had an overbearing mother, and was given over to thought. I thought so much that I was unable to take the fact of my own existence for granted, and was astonished that others apparently could. It is frightening indeed not to feel that one stands on firm existential foundations. How could others be so carefree, I wondered, and I so unhappy?

At this point it might help you to understand what I'm getting at if I share with you my first memory.

For Christmas Day 1991 or 1992 — I would have been four or five years old — my mother had bought me a yellow playhouse and some crayons, as well as a few other gifts. I was delighted. I went into the playhouse and drew on its walls with the crayons. My mother, discovering my handiwork, told me off. I couldn't understand why: after all, the playhouse was mine, the crayons were mine, and my action was causing nobody any harm — so where was the problem? At once, I felt two things: the first was that life was unfair; the second was that, far from being related to my mother, my only true relations were criminals — that is to say, others who had 'done naughty things'.

It's difficult to express just how significant this event has been on my life. The closest I can come is to say that I felt at the time like how I imagine Adam felt when he was ejected from Paradise. It was as though my psyche had been escorted out of Paradise by two grim-faced angels of truth. From that moment on, just like Adam, I was guilty.

This guilt manifested itself for the first time, as far as I can recall, at school. I didn't make friends very easily — feeling guilty, I felt unlikable. I regarded myself as a fraud, a sham. When, for example, a teacher paid me a compliment, I felt supremely uncomfortable because I felt that others were more deserving and that I had been complimented out of error. Yet I felt even more uncomfortable when criticised, for this intensified my feelings of guilt and confirmed my unhappy opinion of myself. Individuals with Avoidant Personality Disorder are extremely sensitive to criticism.

I found two people to hang around with at school; and while I did consider them my friends, I was aware that I was the outsider. They preferred each other's company to mine. At school, if a teacher told his or her students to pair up for a project, my friends would pair up with one another — and I felt as though some ghastly spotlight had been cast on me. I saw myself as I imagined others saw me: 'Jimmy's so stupid and unappealing! Even his own friends can't stand him. And now they've abandoned him.' If someone offered to pair up with me, I felt they were only doing so out of some sense of duty [what this duty might have been, I couldn't say], and I felt humiliated.

I don't suppose it helped that my two friends lived near one another, and I further away. My mother wouldn't allow me to socialise with them because, for reasons she never made clear, she didn't care for their families. I was frequently at a loss for words with her — feeling like an object under her keen gaze, I never knew what I could say to her that she would find novel or interesting. And so I never voiced my objections; I internalised them.

Painfully shy, I spent a lot of time alone in my bedroom watching television, playing computer games, and reading books — all the while 'gripped by a premonition of setting sail', as Arthur Rimbaud said. People with Avoidant Personality Disorder are prone to seeking refuge in fantasy worlds. As Friedrich Hölderlin put it in An die Hoffnung: 'O thou, daughter of the ether, appear to me from your father's gardens, and if you may not promise me mortal happiness, then frighten, O frighten my heart with something else.' I had painted for myself a golden future — I would be happy and confident, and have many friends. All I had to do was endure the present.

To do so, I would astral project myself into this golden future, cheat time, reassure myself that the unhappiness and loneliness I felt from thinking myself incapable of social intercourse would indeed pass away. When I lacked sufficient imagination to perform this trick, I would turn instead to books. Just as Alyosha Karamazov found sanctuary in a monastery, I found sanctuary in novels.

The Karamazovs became my friends, and Brilliantine, and many other literary characters. I was paralysed by doubt and self-hatred: real life was anxiety-provoking, social interaction dubious, guilt persistent, and the threat of meeting with the disapproval of others a constant possibility. But characters in novels got things done. Novels promised comfortingly safe certainties. Even if they suffered, the characters would, generally speaking, turn out all right. I sometimes regretted that I didn't exist only in print.

Things remained the same throughout college. And in my first year at university, I happened to be walking past one of the halls of residence when someone on the ground floor poked her head out of the window and started talking to me. Some of her friends were there, about seven or eight, men and women. She appeared very fond of me, as did her friends. I don't recall our conversation; but I do remember that we chatted for quite a long time, that she invited me in for coffee — and that I felt panicky. But I was skilled at hiding it.

[To expand on this point a little: Some people with anxiety disorders appear aloof and become withdrawn in social situations. But others, like myself, assume an air of confidence. I have often been told that I come across eloquently, intelligently, and confidently. Yet I have the persistent belief that I come across as 'the village idiot'. People with Avoidant Personality Disorder believe they're inferior to others, and strongly dislike themselves.]

I declined her kind offer, claiming to be busy; she suggested another time. Her friends encouraged me to accept, and I agreed. But I never returned. I had managed to convince myself that they were only being nice out of duty; and besides, had I not declined the offer to have coffee the first time? They would surely think: 'He's only here because he feels he has to be.' People with Avoidant Personality Disorder fear embarrassment, and they often withdraw from social events, even when they have no good reason not to: they will fabricate reasons, sometimes extremely far-fetched ones, in order to justify not making a commitment. Whether they read books or not, they crave, on some level, the comfortingly safe certainties of novels.

I had to withdraw from university because I had a breakdown. I became severely depressed [Avoidant Personality Disorder and depression have a high comorbidity], and isolated myself even more. I felt like Lord Lowborough in Anne Brontë's The Tenant of Wildfell Hall when he says: 'What you see in life I don't know — I see only the blackness of darkness.' So much for that golden future I had painted for myself!

I was hospitalised in May 2015 [I've written about that here]; and now I've received a diagnosis, I believe the present can be golden — and I've learned the present is what matters. Painting a golden future is a futile endeavour; for while one does it, the present, with all its opportunities for change, passes one by.

Simone de Beauvoir said in Force of Circumstance: 'Self-knowledge is no guarantee of happiness, but it is on the side of happiness, and can supply the courage to fight for it.' I have always chosen unhappiness over happiness; but now, armed with self-knowledge, I choose happiness over unhappiness. Behavioural change is difficult; and fears and doubts are powerful and persuasive — but they are neither invincible nor immortal. Why should unhappiness be my default? Why not happiness? I shall persevere. As Soichiro Honda put it: 'Nothing that was worth doing was ever easy.'



Farand was institutionalised before a diagnoses was able to be made. Often professionals have to 'put you away' to fully allow them to focus on you - I know when I was an 'inmate' of a psychiatric ward I was able to see the doctor as often as he came, there were trained nursing staff I could talk to when my doctor wasn't there and, ultimately, there was kindness for a fragile mind. I have yet to write my own story, as I have many, but Farand 's Notes on a Psychiatric Ward follow here (in case the link bums out)



John Forbes Nash, Jr., was one of the recipients of the 1994 Nobel Prize in Economics — but he nearly wasn't: the Nobel selection body had expressed concerns that he might embarrass them.

Mr Nash was a paranoid schizophrenic. His illness had led him to believe, among other things, that he had been charged with creating a new world government that would lead to his being crowned Emperor of Antarctica.

Some people might call such a belief mad. Mr Nash himself, acknowledging what he had been through, said: 'My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional — and back.'

The same might be said of my own quest.

After a long and interesting life, Mr Nash, along with his wife, died suddenly and needlessly in an automobile accident. I was on a psychiatric ward at the time.

The point of these brief, loosely-structured notes is to speak a little about some of my fellow patients, and to illuminate the often obscured truth that people with a mental illness are not embarrassing, as the Nobel selection body thought, but 'single individuals', as Søren Kierkegaard would have called them. But first, a few remarks about how I ended up on the ward.

In 2013, I suffered a rapid decline in my mental health. I stopped maintaining my personal hygiene, and wore the same jumper and pair of trousers without ever changing or washing them.

It is difficult to explain my reasons for doing this; indeed, the very word, 'reasons', suggests that rational motivations lay behind my behaviour — but this wasn't the case.

Any meaning with which I tried to furnish my existence plummeted quickly down a yawning, bottomless abyss, whose name was Futility.

I was gripped by a paranoid delusion in which several close friends of mine on DeviantArt were trying to humiliate me. When one of these friends received the Deviousness Award, I misinterpreted this as a personal slight.

I felt like I was sleepwalking through my existence; and I was restless from bad dreams.

I wanted to die; only, it seemed like the Angel of Death was standing passively by, arms folded, calmly watching as my sense of reality unraveled.

I watched television, and became catatonic. Time simultaneously froze and fast-forwarded. Days passed; nights passed. And I came to understand that, in Hell, one undergoes the same day ceaselessly. Sisyphus's case isn't exceptional.

I underwent the same day for two years. Then one day, I received a letter informing me I was to be visited at home by a representative of the Department for Work and Pensions to discuss a benefit I was claiming.

I greeted the representative wearing rotting clothes. With tears streaming down my dirty face, I told her, with all the clarity and emphasis I could manage, that I couldn't cope. She said she would put me in touch with a mental health team.

Several days later, on 15.05.15, the mental health team came to visit; but I didn't answer the door. They telephoned the fire service, who forced the lock on my door in order to gain entry into my house.

I was in bed: I was woken up. I was upset, because I thought I was hallucinating. A doctor was sent for, and I was taken to the ward.

On being admitted, I saw a genial young man whom I'll call Dr Roberts. [All names have been changed.] I sketched for him, as above, the outlines of my existential experience. Stanza IV of Robert Browning's Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came summarises with haunting precision how I felt:

For, what with my whole world-wide wandering,
What with my search drawn out thro' years, my hope
Dwindled into a ghost not fit to cope
With that obstreperous joy success would bring,
I hardly tried now to rebuke the spring
My heart made, finding failure in its scope.

After being examined, I was shown to what would be my home for the next seven weeks — Room 18.

I didn't leave my room for the first three weeks, because I was highly anxious. I ate my meals alone, rather than at the dining tables with the other patients. I occasionally lost my temper, because I felt like I wasn't understood; and I was sectioned under Section II of the Mental Health Act [which authorises one's detention in hospital for up to 28 days].

With the support of an occupational therapist, I gradually spent more time out of my room. And I ended up spending a lot of time with my fellow patients.

The first patient I met was twenty-three years old. He had thick, dark hair tousled into long curls, and intense, green eyes. He put me in mind of a nineteenth-century poet: I don't think he would have seemed out of place sat beneath an oak tree, writing melancholy odes about a girl he used to love.

He approached me one afternoon as I was standing outside my room. With a wide grin on his beautiful face, he said: 'Hi. I'm Ryan.' He asked me whether I was going to go into the lounge area to watch television. When I replied that I was feeling anxious, he put an arm around my shoulders, put his face close to mine, and said: 'Don't worry. I won't let anyone do anything bad to you.'

Ryan had schizophrenia. He heard six or seven different voices. He told me about conversations he had had with Satan, and with 'a skinny guy' named Tyler. Ryan would occasionally touch my bottom whenever he was in one of his 'gay moods', and even pretended to make love to me several times. Once, I gave him a foot massage.

He liked to listen to the radio; and often, in between singing along to the songs, he would address Satan under his breath: 'I'm [insert full name here], and I'm not going to give you my soul.' Once I heard him say: 'Tyler's in trouble; he's going to die.'

I sometimes wondered, as I drifted off to sleep, how someone who inhabited such a terrifying mental universe could be so upbeat.

There were several schizophrenics on the ward, none of whom I got to know so well; though, I did have a brief conversation with one of them, Johnny. He told me that within each of us there reside many devils, which make us behave immorally. He asked me whether I believed in them: when I told him I didn't, he blamed my scepticism on their influence.

I met a talented writer named Tommy — who looked a great deal like Ryan, though he was no relation. I never learned why he was on the ward. [I never asked anyone why they were there: that was their business, not mine.]

We spoke a great deal about poetry. I recited a bit of John Keats to him [note: during those first three weeks, I memorised Ode on a Grecian Urn and Ode to a Nightingale]; and he was struck by the beauty of the language:

Darkling, I listen; and, for many a time,
I have been half in love with easeful Death;
Call'd Him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath.
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain:
To thy high requiem become a sod.

He had filled several notebooks with his own poems, and made me a gift of one. I suggested that he create a DeviantArt account; but he thought his poems unworthy of a large audience.

I struck up a close friendship with a deeply depressed man named Jude. He was 6'3, and his kind, boyish face made him seem a decade younger than his thirty-four years. Jude was a creationist; and as creationists don't, generally speaking, possess a reputation for being tolerant of homosexual, feminist, agnostic atheists [of which I am one], you might be surprised that I was so very fond of him.

But that soft-spoken man had an appreciation for Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins, and wanted to know more about Charles Darwin. Not only that, but he was deeply troubled by the Problem of Evil [crudely stated: how can an omnipotent and omnibenevolent God allow suffering?].

The prophet Muhammad said: 'The greatest of wealth is the richness of the soul.' And Jude was wealthy indeed. His tremendous good character, and intellectual honesty, could serve as a lesson to anyone.

The last patient I'm going to talk about was a determined-looking man named Robert, who was also depressed. He had a fiancée and a baby son. Like a number of the other patients, he was very upbeat. You might never have guessed that he had tried to kill himself.

When I think of him — which I often do; and of the other patients as well — I'm reminded of what the Eskimo Qaqortingneq said to Knud Rasmussen:

'Oh! You strangers only see us happy and free of care. But if you knew the horrors we often have to live through, you would understand too why we are so fond of laughing, why we love food and song and dancing.'

One day, Robert was allowed overnight leave. He returned earlier than expected because he had made another attempt on his life. He was discharged not long after this. Just before he left, another patient touched him on the arm and said: 'Don't kill yourself. Remember your love for your little boy.'

As I didn't get to know the other patients very well, I shall end my narrative here.



To end off, Farand says the following:
"Halldór Laxness's novel 'The Atom Station' helped me a lot during this time. Its characters are charming, and the author paints such a beautiful picture of his home country, Iceland."
As well as:
"This helped me to deal with my diagnosis, because it seemed to summarise how I felt so perfectly - indescribable, you must listen to understand:"