Broken Arrows by Avicii You stripped your love down to the wire Fire shy and cold alone outside You stripped it right down to the wire But I see you behind those tired eyes
Now as you wade through the shadows that live in your heart You'll find the light that leads home (home, home) Cause I see you for you and your beautiful scars So take my hand, don't let go
Cause it's not too late, it's not too late I, I see the hope in your heart And sometimes you lose and sometimes you're shooting Broken arrows in the dark But I, I see the hope in your heart
I've seen the darkness in the light The kind of blue that leaves you lost and blind The only thing that's black and white Is that you don't have to walk alone this time
We have to tear down the walls that live in your heart To find someone you call home (home, home) Now you see me for me and my beautiful scars So take my hand, don't let go
Cause it's not too late, it's not too late I, I see the hope in your heart And sometimes you lose and sometimes you're shooting Broken arrows in the dark But I, I see the hope in your heart
It's not too late, it's not too late I see the hope in your heart Sometimes you're losing, sometimes shooting Broken arrows in the dark
You Don't Own Me by Grace ft G-Eazy You don't own me You don't own me
[G-Eazy:] Well, let's go But I'm Gerald and I can always have just what I want She's that baddest I would love to flaunt Take her shopping, you know Yves Saint Laurent But nope, she ain't with it though All because she got her own dough Boss bossed if you don't know She could never ever be a broke hoe
You don't own me I'm not just one of your many toys You don't own me Don't say I can't go with other boys
Don't tell me what to do And don't tell me what to say Please, when I go out with you Don't put me on display
You don't own me Don't try to change me in any way You don't own me Don't tie me down cause I'd never stay
Don't tell me what to do And don't tell me what to say Please, when I go out with you Don't put me on display
[G-Eazy:] Re-really though, honestly I get bored of basic (No) She's the baddest, straight up vicious, texting her asking her If she's alone and if she'd sent some pictures, she said no (what) Well goddamn, she said come over and see it for yourself Never asking for your help, independent woman She ain't for the shelf Nah, she's the one Smoke with her till the (Ahh) Stayin' up until we see the sun Baddest ever, I swear she do it better than I've ever seen it done Never borrow, she ain't ever loan That's when she told me she ain't never ever ever ever gonna be owned
I don't tell you what to say I don't tell you what to do So just let me be myself That's all I ask of you I'm young and I love to be young And I'm free and I love to be free To live my life the way I want To say and do whatever I please
Huh! Hey! Ohh-oh noo Ohh Noo no-oh Hell No no no-ooh Don't, you don't Hey! (You don't own me) But just know (nah), you never met somebody like me before tho (Nah nah nah nah nah nah) (You don't own me) Easy.
Okay by The Piano Guys Doubt is a broken record that plays inside my head. I try to turn it down, but I can't quite drown it out. I'm tortured everyday, these never ending worries, Pulling on my sleeves.
So many times now I was supposed to tap out. All the walls would fall down around me. All anybody would tell me, Is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through. But no matter what they say or what they say, It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x). It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).
No matter what you've been through here you are. No matter if you think you're falling apart. It's gonna be, OKAY!
And there is a battle raging in your heart but you must win. It comes for all of us, saying we are not enough. So fight for your life. The worlds gonna try. To sell you some lies.
So many times now I was supposed to tap out. All the walls would fall down around me. All anybody would tell me, Is all that bad news how it's gonna fall through. But no matter what they say or what they say, It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x). It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).
No matter what you've been through here you are. No matter if you think you're falling apart. It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x). It's gonna be, OKAY!
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x). It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x).
No matter what you've been through here you are. No matter if you think you're falling apart.
It's gonna be, gonna be, OKAY! (a a a ay 3x). It's gonna be, OKAY!
WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! (It's gonna be, gonna be) WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! (It's gonna be, OKAY!) WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! (It's gonna be, gonna be) WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! (It's gonna be, OKAY!)
Let's Write the Streets by Hundreds For the first time I can see your eyes I am all alone It is clear we fall from grace We cannot walk away away from each other
Medicate my heart I medicate your heart Its seems so wrong we stay the coldest part will come We built a perfect place Picture each other
We are whitest sheets let's write the streets We are whitest sheets let's write the streets
Do you sit with me under the icicles Give me your trembling hands I don't wear kid gloves As darkness is complete please don't say a words
We will stumble that's the way we walk Please tell me everything And maybe in the end We even have lost the fear
We are whitest sheets let's write the streets We are whitest sheets let's write the streets
the streets...
I tried I tried to walk alone I tried I tried to walk alone
7 Years by Lukas Graham Once I was seven years old, my mama told me, "Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely." Once I was seven years old
It was a big big world, but we thought we were bigger Pushing each other to the limits, we were learning quicker By eleven smoking herb and drinking burning liquor Never rich so we were out to make that steady figure
Once I was eleven years old, my daddy told me, "Go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely." Once I was eleven years old
I always had that dream, like my daddy before me So I started writing songs, I started writing stories Something about that glory just always seemed to bore me 'Cause only those I really love will ever really know me
Once I was twenty years old, my story got told Before the morning sun, when life was lonely Once I was twenty years old
(Lukas Graham!)
I only see my goals, I don't believe in failure 'Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major I got my boys with me, at least those in favor And if we don't meet before I leave, I hope I'll see you later
Once I was twenty years old, my story got told I was writing about everything I saw before me Once I was twenty years old
Soon we'll be thirty years old, our songs have been sold We've traveled around the world and we're still roaming Soon we'll be thirty years old
I'm still learning about life My woman brought children for me So I can sing them all my songs And I can tell them stories Most of my boys are with me Some are still out seeking glory And some I had to leave behind My brother, I'm still sorry
Soon I'll be sixty years old, my daddy got sixty-one Remember life, and then your life becomes a better one I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once I hope my children come and visit once or twice a month
Soon I'll be sixty years old, will I think the world is cold Or will I have a lot of children who can warm me? Soon I'll be sixty years old
Soon I'll be sixty years old, will I think the world is cold Or will I have a lot of children who can warm me? Soon I'll be sixty years old
Once I was seven years old, my mama told me, "Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely." Once I was seven years old
My Mind is a Box by Pretty Balanced my attention is cashed so don't talk to me anymore be the subject terrifying or important or pure my cigarettes are spent so don't expect productivity be the matter just or crucial or personal or reactive my mind is a box and you put things in and you take things out and it's empty my mind is a box and you gut it then and you flatten it and you leave me blank and the world is big my body's small my body's short the world is tall
so fill me up with chemicals or other people's words i shout it from this pretty hole in modes and fifths and thirds my mind is a box my mind is a lie my mind
my mind is a line running down my spine like a vine of green and psychedelic iridescent rainbows my body is built like a function of mechanics like a robot when he gives himself his own petty instructions my mind is a box and you put things in and you take things out and it's empty my mind is a box and you gut it then and you flatten it and you leave me blank and the world is big my body's small my body's short the world is tall
so fill me up with chemicals or other people's words i shout it from this pretty hole in modes and fifths and thirds i steep up an infusion there and pour it on these keys i'm influenced so easily so influence me please just fill me up with chemicals or other people's words i shout it from this pretty hole in modes and fifths and thirds i steep up an infusion there and pour it on these keys i'm influenced so easily so influence me please i'm influenced so easily so influence me please
Silent All These Years By Tori Amos Excuse me but can I be you for a while My dog won't bite if you sit real still I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again Yeah I can hear that Been saved again by the garbage truck I got something to say you know But nothing comes Yes I know what you think of me You never shut-up Yeah I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid In these jeans of his With her name still on it Hey but I don't care Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice And it's been here Silent All These Years
So you found a girl Who thinks really deep thougts What's so amazing about really deep thoughts Boy you best praya that I bleed real soon How's that thought for you My scream got lost in a paper cup You think there's a heaven Where some screams have gone I got 25 bucks and a cracker Do you think it's enough To get us there
Cause what if I'm a mermaid In these jeans of his With her name still on it Hey but I don't care Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice And it's been here Silent All These...
Years go by Will I still be waiting For somebody else to understand Years go by If I'm stripped of my beauty And the orange clouds Raining in head Years go by Will I choke on my tears Till finally there is nothing left One more casualty You know we're too easy Easy Easy
Well I love the way we communicate Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape Let's hear what you think of me now But baby don't look up The sky is falling Your mother shows up in a nasty dress It's your turn now to stand where I stand Everybody lookin' at you here Take hold of my hand Yeah I can hear them
But what if I'm a mermaid In these jeans of his With her name still on it Hey but I don't care Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice [x3]
And it's been here Silent All These Years I've been here Silent All These Years
When it's cold out, when the night is still And you're standing alone I'll be racing when the lights go out And you're losing control Higher, higher, higher we go Tell me, tell me we're close enough to touch the Sun, the Sun Higher, higher, higher we go Tell me, tell me the journey's only just begun, begun
I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing Even when the rest are falling, the rest are falling The rest are falling I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing Even when the best are falling, the best are falling The best are falling You say, say my name Cause once I get my head above the clouds I'm never coming down Say, say my name Cause once I get my head above the cloudy skies Watch me rise Watch me rise
Now paranoia's setting in and I'm falling from these stars again While every part of me screams, "hold on" Cause if you can't learn to bend then you break Oh my God, how long does it take? Every lesson we learned took so long But it made us strong
I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing Even when the rest are falling, the rest are falling The rest are falling I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing Even when the best are falling, the best are falling The best are falling You say, say my name Cause once I get my head above the clouds I'm never coming down Say, say my name Cause once I get my head above the cloudy skies Watch me rise Watch me rise
Higher, higher, higher we go Right into the fire we go
I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing Even when the rest are falling, the rest are falling The rest are falling I-I-I-I'm still standing, I-I-I-I'm still climbing Even when the best are falling, the best are falling The best are falling You say, say my name Cause once I get my head above the clouds I'm never coming down Say, say my name Cause once I get my head above the cloudy skies Watch me rise Watch me rise
Me and a Gun by Tori Amos 5am Friday morning Thursday night Far from sleep I'm still up and driving Can't go home obviously So I'll just change direction Cause they'll soon know where I live And I wanna live
Got a full tank and some chips It was me and a gun And a man on my back And I sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants You can laugh It's kind of funny things you think at times like these Like I haven't seen Barbados So I must get out of this
Yes I wore a slinky red thing Does that mean I should spread For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed
Me and a gun and a man On my back But I haven't seen Barbados So I must get out of this Yes I wore a slinky red thing Does that mean I should spread For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed And I know what this means Me and Jesus a few years back Used to hang and he said "It's your choice babe just remember I don't think you'll be back in 3 days time So you choose well" Tell me what's right Is it my right to be on my stomach of Fred's Seville
Me and a gun and a man On my back But I haven't seen Barbados So I must get out of this
And do you know Carolina Where the biscuits are soft and sweet These things go through you head When there's a man on your back And you're pushed flat on your stomach It's not a classic Cadillac
Me and a gun and a man On my back But I haven't seen Barbados So I must get out of this
Wake Me Up by Avicii Home Free A Cappella Cover Feeling my way through the darkness Guided by a beating heart I can't tell where the journey will end But I know where to start
They tell me I'm too young to understand They say I'm caught up in a dream Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes Well that's fine by me
[2x] So wake me up when it's all over When I'm wiser and I'm older All this time I was finding myself And I didn't know I was lost
I tried carrying the weight of the world But I only have two hands Hope I get the chance to travel the world But I don't have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young Not afraid to close my eyes Life's a game made for everyone And love is the prize
[2x] So wake me up when it's all over When I'm wiser and I'm older All this time I was finding myself And I didn't know I was lost
Didn't know I was lost I didn't know I was lost I didn't know I was lost I didn't know (didn't know, didn't know)
Unbreakable by Conchita Wurst Without a warning or reason why He walked away with no goodbye. He was your everything That's what you thought 'Til he tore your heart out and ripped it up
Bitter memories without a cure How did you pull yourself off from the floor? You lost the battle but not the war Look at you now! Look at you
From the pieces of your shattered world You made a grit into a pearl Now you shine, you're beautiful You're unbreakable.
And nobody can hurt you now No, nobody can bring you down 'Cause you're strong, you're beautiful, You're unbreakable.
Now in the mirror who do you see? You're not the one you used to be, so naive The story's over there once upon You turned the page, now you're moving on
Bitter memories they have no end When you decided not to look back You lost the battle but that was then, So look at you now! Look at you
From the pieces of your shattered world You made a grit into a pearl Now you shine, you're beautiful You're unbreakable.
And nobody can hurt you now No, nobody can bring you down 'Cause you're strong, you're beautiful, You're unbreakable.
That's what you are Invincible, inside your heart You lost the battle, but healed the scars Now you're unbreakable
From the pieces of your shattered world You made a grit into a pearl Now you shine, you're beautiful You're unbreakable.
And nobody can hurt you now No, nobody can bring you down 'Cause you're strong, you're beautiful, You're unbreakable.
In Your Room by Halestorm Let me in your room I've seen the rest of you But I know there's something more in your room I'm right outside your door Show me things you've never shown before
A few pictures from your past And those walls you painted black And the secrets that you keep under your bed All you have to do is let me in your room
You can be yourself You don't have to hide from me, I won't tell I know everyone you've ever trusted has let you down And you don't want to come out And show me, show me
A few pictures from your past And those walls you painted black And the secrets that you keep under your bed All you have to do is let me in your room
You know every part of me I let you in, I let you see All the dark and every color of my room Let me do that for you And tell me all about your past Why you painted those walls black Baby it's all right, you're safe in here with me Open up so I can see
A few pictures from your past And those walls you painted black And the secrets that you keep under your bed An unopened letter from your dad A poster of your favorite band It don't matter I'll take every part of you All you have to do is let me in your room
This Time by Guano Apes "The more you explaining me, the less I'm sure The more I can see, the less I want to know I don't want your secret just keep them away I'm trapped in your moment, there's no time to waste I fill up my heart and start to move on
'Cause this time I have learnt how to say good bye, my friend This time I won't hide in the shade of night again This time I don't need anyone to believe in me This time I will make sure you won't feel insecure
We look up into the moon, and counting stars I travel around the world, to find myself far I walked down the valley, smile on my face Live is so easy if you know the taste I fill up your heart and start to move on
'Cause this time I have learnt how to say good bye, my friend This time I won't hide in the shade of night again This time I don't need anyone to believe in me This time I will make sure you won't feel insecure
This time I will make sure you won't feel it, insecure This time you come with me We keep falling And on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on...
'Cause this time I have learnt how to say good bye, my friend This time I won't hide in the shade of night again This time I don't need anyone to believe in me This time I will make sure you won't feel insecure"
Rise Like a Phoenix by Conchita Wurst Waking in the rubble Walking over glass Neighbors say we’re trouble Well that time has passed
Peering from the mirror No, that isn’t me Stranger getting nearer Who can this person be
You wouldnt know me at all today From the fading light I fly
Rise like a phoenix Out of the ashes Seeking rather than vengeance Retribution You were warned Once I'm transformed Once I’m reborn You know I will rise like a phoenix But you're my flame
Go about your business Act as if you’re free Noone could have witnessed What you did to me
Cause you wouldn’t know me today And you have got to see To believe From the fading light I fly
Rise like a phoenix Out of the ashes Seeking rather than vengeance Retribution You were warned Once I'm transformed Once I’m reborn
I rise up to the sky You threw me down but I'm gonna fly
And rise like a phoenix Out of the ashes Seeking rather than vengeance Retribution You were warned Once I'm transformed Once I’m reborn You know I will rise like a phoenix But you’re my flame
How to Save a Life by The Fray Step one, you say, "We need to talk." He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk." He smiles politely back at you You stare politely right on through Some sort of window to your right As he goes left and you stay right Between the lines of fear and blame You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best 'Cause after all you do know best Try to slip past his defense Without granting innocence Lay down a list of what is wrong The things you've told him all along Pray to God, he hears you And I pray to God, he hears you
And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice Drive until you lose the road Or break with the ones you've followed He will do one of two things He will admit to everything Or he'll say he's just not the same And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life How to save a life
Supergirl by Reamonn You can tell by the way She walks that she's my girl You can tell by the way she talks she rules the world You can see in her eyes that no one is her Chief She's my girl my Super girl
And then she'd say it's OK I got lost on the way But I'm a Super girl and Super girls don't cry And then she'd say its all right I got home late last night But I'm a Super girl and Super girls just fly
And then she'd say that nothing can go wrong When you're in love what can go wrong And then she'd laugh the nighttime into the day Pushing her fears further along
And then she'd say it's OK I got lost on the way But I'm a Super girl and Super girls don't cry And then she'd say it's all right I got home late last night But I'm a Super girl and Super girls just fly
Then she'd shout down the line tell me she's got no more time Cause she's a Super girl and Super girls don't cry Then she'd scream in my face tell me to leave, leave this place Cause she's a Super girl and Super girls just fly She's a Super girl a Super girl
She's sewing seeds she's burning trees She's sewing seeds she's burning trees She's a Super girl a Super girl A Super girl my Super girl
I'll Keep Your Secrets by Trans-Siberian Orchestra LOST IN YOUR DARK I SEE YOU THERE WHAT DO YOU SEE BEYOND YOUR STARE AND YOU BELIEVE THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN KNOW
WHAT IS THIS THING YOU KEEP INSIDE OUT OF THE LIGHT AND WRAPPED IN PRIDE ALWAYS AFRAID THAT ONE DAY IT WILL SHOW
I'LL KEEP YOUR SECRETS I'LL HOLD YOUR GROUND AND WHEN THE DARKNESS STARTS TO FALL I'LL BE AROUND THERE WAITING WHEN DREAMS ARE FADING AND FRIENDS ARE DISTANT AND FEW
KNOW AT THAT MOMENT I'LL BE THERE WITH YOU WHAT ARE THESE VOICES THAT YOU HEAR ARE THEY TOO FAR OR FAR TOO NEAR WHAT ARE THESE THINGS THAT ECHO FROM THE PAST
WHO ARE THESE GHOSTS YOU SEE AT NIGHT THERE IN THE SHADOWS OF YOUR LIFE THEY ONLY LIVE BY THE LIGHT YOU CAST
I'LL KEEP YOUR SECRETS I'LL HOLD YOUR GROUND AND WHEN THE DARKNESS STARTS TO FALL I'LL BE AROUND THERE WAITING WHEN DREAMS ARE FADING AND FRIENDS ARE DISTANT AND FEW
KNOW AT THAT MOMENT I'LL BE THERE WITH YOU
I'LL BE AROUND WHEN THERE'S NO REASON LEFT TO CARRY ON AND EVERY DREAM YOU'VE EVER HAD IS GONE AND THE DARK IS DEEP AND BLACK WITHOUT A SOUND AND EVERY STAR HAS BEEN DRAGGED TO THE GROUND KNOW AT THAT MOMENT I WILL BE AROUND KNOW AT THAT MOMENT I WILL BE AROUND
Stay By My Side by Fiddlers Green "Stay by my side And help me through the night The wind's blowing cold Stay by side Lock out the world tonight There's just you and me So please become reality
Sometimes you feel a stabbing pain Which tells your wicked rambling brain That you're all alone The lights go out all voices die You're small and fragile but you try To roll back the stone
So could you be a place A place for me and all these days When all that I know Is that I want you to stay
You're still a dream of hope to me An angel of my fantasy I want you to be real So give me shelter keep me warm Find me a highway through the storm I want to go home
"I'm singing in harmony, in the key of you and me We only got one life to live, so live it well They say that time will heal everything So don't give up on tomorrow, keep that smile Upon your face, and wear it well, wear it well
Woah, I feel like a child, Laughing all the while I'd walk a hundred million miles to see you smile for life Let me see you smile let me see you smile Let me see you smile for life (Smile for life)
Oh I keep l living for this moment wishing all my dreams come true, if you never try, you never fail So try it well, so now I stand upon this mountain and Im talking to the wind, it says to do what Makes me happy, and do it well, do it well
woah, I feel like a child, laughing all the while I'd walk a hundred million miles to see you smile for life Let me see you smile let me see you smile Let me see you smile for life (Smile for life)
So now i stand on this mountain And i'm talking to the wind My smile reflects so many things thats good about, my hopes and dreams
Let me see you smile let me see you smile Let me see you smile for life (Smile for life) Smile for peace, smile for joy Smile for every girl and boy Its the things we love that bring us life Breath it in and smile for life, Smile for life."
Admin selection by Diluculi from the journal of LiliWrites
Morning Comes by Delta Rae "Oh, oh. I found a good woman, I found a job that pays. The tide comes in, I watch it all wash away. But I'm keeping it steady, that's just how I was raised Head held up, walking tall into each broken wave
And this heart grows tired I found a good woman I found a job that pays The tide comes in, I watch it all wash away But I’m keeping it steady, that’s just how I was raised Head held up walking tall into each breaking wave
’Cause the devil’s in the details and he’s taking his toll Sending good men down the foot trails of some lost lonely souls
And I say oh, oh Rain don’t change the sun Jealous is the night when the morning comes But it always comes
So I’m working the graveyard, I don’t sleep till it’s light Ain’t calling in favors, I can’t swallow my pride And the bank’s on a mission, they want to read me my rights But they ever show up around here, they’re going to be in for a fight
’Cause the devil’s in my hometown and I ain’t telling him no ’Cause it’s my family, it’s my love now, that I’m scared to let go
And I say oh, oh Rain don’t change the sun Jealous is the night when the morning comes But it always comes
Followed the track of my needle Tried to be good to my people So why’s there no peace? No break no relief
Can I be blamed if I’m angry? Can I be saved if I’m barely clinging to hope? I’m clinging to hope
When I say oh, oh Rain don’t change the sun Jealous is the night when the morning comes But it always comes
It always rains down on us And like an old dog lying by a new gravestone It’s still our home It’s still our home
So if you ever feel like you are alone After the night The morning comes"
The Messinian Letter by Tiamat "Look outside the window Baby everything will be just fine In just a little moment The dark is gone and the sun will start to shine And all the clouds of grey, the are not yours So please let me see your smile again You are my only friend And I want you to be happy again I know what you've been trough And I know what has to come But please don't try to face it all along 'Cause you are my only friend You are my only friend I am here beside you now To help you and to guide you to the light Today my darling little birds are singing and the sun is shining bright And all the clouds of grey, the are not yours So please let me see you smile again You are my only friend And I want you to be happy again I know what you've been through And I know what has to come But please don't try to face it along 'Cause you are my only friend You are my only friend Look beyond these corridors and the darkness in your soul I am here to drag you up from the empty hole Try to look beyond all the sad things in the world There will be more wars and deaths before all flags are furled But you are my only friend You are my only friend..."
Laura by Bat for Lashes You say that they've all left you behind Your heart broke when the party died Drape your arms around me and softly say Can we dance upon the tables again?
When your smile is so wide and your heels are so high You can't cry Put your glad rags on and let's sing along To that lonely song
You're the train that crashed my heart You're the glitter in the dark Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar
And in this horror show I've got to tell you so Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar
You say that you're stuck in a pale blue dream And your tears feel hot on my bedsheets Drape your arms around me and softly say Can we dance upon the tables again?
When your smile is so wide and your heels are so high You can't cry Put your glad rags on and let's sing along To that lonely song
You're the train that crashed my heart You're the glitter in the dark Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar
You'll be famous for longer than them Your name is tattooed on every boy's skin Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar
You're the train that crashed my heart You're the glitter in the dark Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar
And in this old horror show I've got to let you know Ooh Laura, you're more than a superstar You're more than a superstar...
You Owe Me Nothing in Return by Alanis Morissette I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it (and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege And you owe me nothing in return
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it (and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege And you owe me nothing in return
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up I bet you wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is
You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear it You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it (and there are no strings attached)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege And you owe me nothing in return
Weak by Skunk Anansie Lost in time I can`t count the words (I) said when I thought they went unheard All of those harsh thoughts so unkind `Cause I wanted you
(And) now I sit here I`m all alone So here sits a bloody mess, tears fly home A circle of angels, deep in war `Cause I wanted you
Weak as I am, no tears for you Weak as I am, no tears for you Deep as I am, I`m no ones fool Weak as I am
So what am I now I'm loves last home I`m all of the soft words I once owned If I opened my heart, there`d be no space for air `Cause I wanted you
In this tainted soul In this weak young heart Am I too much for you
Guardian Angel By Lovex Through the darkness and broken glass I'll come for you, if you only ask And there i'll stand Just for you
Million miles between our lives can't keep us apart from our grieving hearts sealed with love God speed my darling
For your name I'm calling For our love I'm falling... on my knees
And if you cry, i'll hold your head up high I'll be there by your side I will be your guardian angel And if you cry, i'll hold your head up high I'll be there by your side I will be your guardian angel
In the garden of lonely love I'll wait for you, 'till the time will come When i see you smile Just for me
Love and loss embrace the pain You can't hide your tears in the rain I'll be there Just wait my darling
And if you cry, i'll hold your head up high I'll be there by your side I will be your guardian angel And if you cry, i'll hold your head up high I'll be there by your side I will be your guardian angel I will do the things that I can to light your life and see you smile And it brakes my heart in two...
'til I see you smile just for me 'til I hear you breath calm and free and until you sleep I won't let you grieve
Kiss of Hope By Negative Once upon a time you were a child And you started this endless fight Life is built on a dream, disappointment, stormy seas Always hoped for so much more Than life had offered you before Now you start to see new things Like a flower blooms in spring
A new day will come And you'll find all the answers And the kiss of hope Comes powerful and fast As you feel so alive, for the first time in your life You are relieved
Never lost your faith in me, even when we lost belief We were silent and displaced We always knew we'd find our way
Look around and you will see There is so much love for you to receive even in our darkest days We always knew we'd find our way
A new day will come And you'll find all the answers...
And I see this world is beautiful Full of opportunities It was made for you and me
A new day will come And you'll find all the answers And the kiss of hope Comes powerful and fast As you feel so alive, for the first time in your life A new day will born
Neverending Parade By Negative Loving arms around us for you`re the kind who needs refuge, your loving eyes see right through me, cannot play a saint, cannot pretend...
Neverending rain on your little parade, nothing to do with a love affair. When heaven cries I will be near you and walk with you through all your pain
Do not forget what we are, until the end, meant to be one. When heaven cries and you are gone, you stole my soul, it breaks my heart.
This Will Make You Love Again By IMAX When the joys of living just leave you cold Frozen from the failing mess you've made your own And if you want an ending to your screenplay life Well here's the consolation That will change your heart and mind
And all the glitz messiah's just pass the time A cure for no real sickness, cross your hopes and die Your supermarket jesus comes with smiles and lies Where justice he delays is always justice he denies
This will make you love again...
And now you're safe Love again To feel the rays Love again The sweet delays Love again And shoot the breeze
Early thursday mornings Wipe away the flies The crossfire fight for action In between your thighs And every touch is sacred When they leave the room If i have to switch the lights off I wanna switch them off with you
This will make you love again...
And now you're safe Love again To feel the rays Love again The sweet delays Love again And shoot the breeze Love again
On The Brightside By Never Shout Never I met a man of two feet tall This man was quite ambitious In a world that is so vicious to us all I said, "Hi," as he replied He said, "Listen to these words That I have lived by my whole life
"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be And you're only as small as the world will make you seem When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall Just look on the brightside - you're roughly six feet tall"
I met a man of 12 feet tall He towered like a giant In a world that was defiant of his height I said, "Hi," as he replied He said, "Listen to these words That I have dreaded my whole life
"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be And you're only as small as the world will make you seem When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall Just look on the brightside - you're roughly six feet tall."
I am a man of six feet tall Just looking for some answers In a world that answers none of them at all I'll say, "Hi," but not reply To the letters that you write Because I found some peace of mind
Cause I'm only as tall as my heart will let me be And I'm only as small as the world will make me seem When the going gets rough and I feel like I may fall I'll look on the brightside - I'm roughly six feet tall.
Don't Carry It All -- The Decemberists By Lindsey Stirling and Shaun Canon Here we come to a turning of the season Witness to the arc towards the sun A neighbor's blessed burden within reason Becomes a burden borne of all and one
And nobody, nobody knows Let the yoke fall from our shoulders Don't carry it all, don't carry it all We are all our hands and holders Beneath this bold and brilliant sun And this I swear to all
A monument to build beneath the arbors Upon a plinth that towers towards the trees Let every vessel pitching hard to starboard Lay its head on summer's freckled knees
And nobody, nobody knows Let the yoke fall from our shoulders Don't carry it all, don't carry it all We are all our hands and holders Beneath this bold and brilliant sun And this I swear to all, this I swear to all
There a wreath of trillium and ivy Laid upon the body of a boy Lazy will the loam come from its hiding Return this quiet searcher to soil
So raise a glass to turnings of the season And watch it as it arcs towards the sun And you must bear your neighbor's burden within reason And your labors will be born when all is done
And nobody, nobody knows Let the yoke fall from our shoulders Don't carry it all, don't carry it all We are all our hands and holders Beneath this bold and brilliant sun And this I swear to all, and this I swear to all
And this I swear to all, and this I swear to all To all, to all, to all
Suggested by qwibes as an admin song suggestion. Think of it this way: You may think that you are heading to the place with the best views (wherever you believe you end up when you die) but you will be missed even for something as simple as your hair or your walk.
When I'm Gone (Cups) By Anna KendrickFrom Pitch Perfect I got my ticket for the long way round Two bottles of whiskey for the way And I sure would like some sweet company And I'm leaving tomorrow what you say
When I'm gone... When I'm gone.. You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my hair You're gonna miss me everywhere Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone
When I'm gone When I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my walk...Ohh You're gonna miss me by my talk Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone
I got my ticket for the long way round The one with the prettiest of views It's got mountains, it's got rivers Its got sights to give you shivers But it sure would be prettier with you
When I'm gone When I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my walk You're gonna miss me by my talk Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone
When I'm gone When I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my hair You're gonna miss me everywhere Oh, you're sure gonna miss me when I'm gone
When I'm gone When I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone You're gonna miss me by my walk You're gonna miss me by my talk Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You Are Not Alone By Michael Jackson Another day has gone I'm still all alone How could this be You're not here with me You never said goodbye Someone tell me why Did you have to go And leave my world so cold
Everyday I sit and ask myself How did love slip away Something whispers in my ear and says That you are not alone I am here with you Though you're far away I am here to stay
But you are not alone I am here with you Though we're far apart You're always in my heart But you are not alone
'Lone, 'lone Why, 'lone
Just the other night I thought I heard you cry Asking me to come And hold you in my arms I can hear your prayers Your burdens I will bear But first I need your hand Then forever can begin
Everyday I sit and ask myself How did love slip away Something whispers in my ear and says That you are not alone I am here with you Though you're far away I am here to stay
you are not alone I am here with you Though we're far apart You're always in my heart you are not alone
Whisper three words and I'll come runnin' And girl you know that I'll be there I'll be there
You are not alone I am here with you Though you're far away I am here to stay you are not alone I am here with you Though we're far apart You're always in my heart
you are not alone I am here with you Though you're far away I am here to stay
you are not alone I am here with you Though we're far apart You're always in my heart
For you are not alone... Not alone ohh You are not alone You are not alone Say it again You are not alone You are not alone Not alone, Not alone If you just reach out for me girl In the morning, in the evening Not alone, not alone You and me not alone Oh together together Not not being alone Not not being alone
I had the opportunity to ask PoetryOD some questions, because I knew she would be honest in answering them and because I knew she has a lot to share and a lot of insight. Muffin is one of the poets I've known longest on DA, and she helped me out with a speech for my son's memorial in 2013 when I needed someone to say something profound, loving, kind and intelligent. She writes such brilliant work as:
And is currently in experimenting with performance poetry and even reading these wonderful things aloud...which is more than I have ever done as I'm too shy to share my poetry face-to-face with people. It's too raw, my real poetry, touches me too deeply and contains emotions (or lack thereof) which I feel (or don't) so deep it would make people uncomfortable - because people can't deal with realness. But Muffin has performed poetry that is so deep it's a coal-mine of wealth.
That said, let's get on with the interview then...shall we?
Question One What illness/illnesses do you face everyday? This can be mental health and physical health.
Mixed personality disorder
Mood dysthymia...
...with major depressive episodes
Social anxiety disorder
Binge eating disorder
Suicidal ideation
Complicated grief
Recovering self harmer
Question Two What does it feel like to have your illness/illnesses?
They all affect me in different ways but they combine to be a whirlwind. I most often feel isolated, alone, unloved, unlovable, worthless, sad, afraid, panicked, dirty, broken. I am phobic of being percieved negatively (this is a simplistic way of explaining social anxiety disorder) and people are involved in almost everything we do in life so every day has the potential to make me lose control and there's no way of telling when or why. I have had to develop a lot of coping mechanisms to get by in day to day life. Some of the coping mechanisms I developed became part of the problem... now it often feels like I'm crazy because I'm crazy.
Question Three Explain it/them in layman's terms.
Mixed personality disorder This one is impossible to explain as a diagnosis because it means a combination of 9 or more symptoms from a list... but the list is pretty long so the possible combinations are around 9000. Which means thousands of people could have the same diagnosis but it means something completely different. I think its kind of a catch-all. It means your brain isn't functioning properly in some way. For me, its boundaries. I don't have any. The automatic reflex to protect myself above other people is absent (although I am slowly building it up over the past 6 years, so I am up to about 5% now, compared to 0%). This means I go above and beyond for my friends, which I love... but it means I will push myself to the point of breaking and beyond, over and over, for silly things. I once was in so much pain I was about to attempt suicide, but I postponed it because I remembered I needed to cook an aquaintance a birthday cake. Not even a good friend. To my brain, thats logical, its only in retrospect I realise that it doesnt make sense. My disorder means I can't protect myself from harm. If I try to I see it as being selfish or immoral and it makes me hate myself more, and I often become intensely self-destructive. If something I do or say upsets someone, the same. If a friend hurts my feelings I won't tell them because I 'don't see the point'. Recently I told a friend they hurt my feelings which made them sad. The fact they were sad because they'd upset me, made me feel guilty and subsequently suicidal. My brain cannot 'excuse' hurting people even in situations like that because basically I have no value and everyone else does. My behaviour makes me a 'great friend' which is positive re-enforcement and makes it really hard to change my behaviours...
Mood dysthymia... Consistently low mood. If you took the average of how a humans supposed to feel, apparently on average I'm below that. So my medium days are lower than the average persons. This can cause confusion. When my friends ask how I am I often say I'm okay, or fine. This usually means pretty miserable, but my scale is different. For me, if I'm not suicidal or self harming I am so used to unhappiness that to me, I genuinely believe thats 'fine'. It scares me that I don't have a 'happy' to compare to.
...with major depressive episodes Extreme pits of darkness and hell. Can't move because limbs are so heavy. Can't breathe because crying so hard, heart physically throbbing with self hatred, hitting walls and my own head wishing I could will my body to stop working and let me go. Usually ties in quite quickly with my suicidal ideation or self harm. Once I fall into an episode I have to try and endure it, they can't be dispelled. I tend to notice them as they start and try and keep myself busy to put them off, and sometimes that works, but if I wake up and I can't move then I am done for 2 - 3 days of crying and screaming and begging to let me die. Its relentless agony but from the inside of your skull so you can't escape it.
Social anxiety disorder Like a phobia of being percieved negatively. Its often mislabelled as a phobia of people... but the issue is I'm projecting what I think badly of myself onto others and that triggers me most of the time. I'm not a shy person, I would never describe myself that way, but I am very anxious. This disorder is the one that stopped me from leaving my house for 7 and a half years. I can't answer the phone, make appointments, go to new appointments by myself, go to new places alone, go to crowded places alone, do presentations or interviews or be in any kind of situation in which I know in advance someone will be judging me, I can't learn to drive... I am very hard on myself and will always focus on what I did wrong and worry that everyone else did too. It is almost impossible for me to think I did a good job at something if other people are involved.
Binge eating disorder I've only admitted to this in the past year and its still difficult to talk about due to the one above... Its an eating disorder. Thats all I can say. Sorry. Not ready to be open about this yet.
Suicidal ideation Daily, sometimes hourly and on really bad days minutely thoughts of ending my life. How, when, why etc. An obsession and a compulsion. Its the term used for people who want to commit suicide continuously for a long long time, often with attempts. For me its been 11 years.
Complicated grief Complicated grief is when you lose someone and your brain doesnt recover from it. It can last months or years. It leaves a person in a sustained period of grieving rather than proceeding through various stages of grief and reaching acceptance and moving on.
Recovering self harmer I am a self harmer, since I was 15. Self harm is extremely addictive so I consider it one of my mental health issues.
Question Four How do you feel? Do you feel? I feel a lot. Professionals, friends, family members, lots of people have told me that I'm not crazy I am just hyper aware of reality, and a lot of the time I think thats true. I don't hallucinate or feel like anything I feel isn't warranted. I make myself feel bad because I think I am a bad person and I understand, from what I'm told, that that is my perception and not reality. But aside from that, everything I do or say or think is logical. Its just that the world sucks, it hurts, and I can't forget that.
Question Five How was your illness/were your illnesses diagnosed? This question is so fucking important it makes me tearful.
TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR.
and if that doesn't work, TALK TO A DIFFERENT DOCTOR.
I went to the doctor at 15 after I'd started self harming and was told there was nothing wrong with me. At 17 I stopped leaving the house. I heard about social anxiety disorder on the internet and went to my doctor asking if it could be that and she was like 'oh shit... yeah...' and from then on my GP (I changed GP 20 times!) was on my side, but even though I couldnt go outside or answer the phone or have my friends in my house, when my GP referred me to the mental health services they kept saying there was nothing wrong with me.
I attempted suicide a bunch of times, kept begging for help, and was refused repeatedly until I was 23. If you think somethings wrong, you are RIGHT. Not even 'probably'. It might only be something easily fixed or it might be something really wrong but if you think your brain is doing something bad, you are the only one inside it. You know best.
People often use the 'you're just doing this for attention' spiel. My response to that is, if you are in such desperate need of attention then that in itself is a sign that somethings wrong. Don't listen to anyone else. Demand help. You can't think your way out of a mental health issue from the inside without help.
Question Six What's the recovery time? Is there hope for recovery? Right now my doctors won't talk about this kind of thing with me. My eating disorder, my possible trauma issues with sex, they are almost irrelevant because they are just trying to stop me committing suicide. I don't think there will ever be a day when I am 'mentally well' 100%... I just would like to be able to appreciate good things and happiness and have the coping mechanisms to deal with the sadness too... I think that might be enough for me... It'll take a long time. I've already been working for about 6 years on this and most of my progress is from like 0% to 5%.. I have to think of my recovery as a day at a time because realistically its likely to be decades for me to be happy.
Question Seven How do you treat it/them? Do you need medication? Psychologists? Psychiatrists? Others? I have psychotherapy, a care-co-ordinator and the option of medications. I am taking a break from medications because I've been given a whole bunch of different ones for years and years and none of them have helped me yet and with the pressure I'm under at university I need to focus on my psychotherapy and balancing my life, which is still really hard for me. Right now I am getting by so its not the right time to risk a new medication, but I know it'll be time in the next year probably. I am pro-meds. I just haven't found the right ones for me.
The way I see it, its like breaking your leg. You don't take painkillers to recover from a broken leg, you do physiotherapy. But you take painkillers to make it so you can do the physiotherapy. Meds are a way to keep going while your brain heals through other things. Therapy or for some people just life. Some people take them always, if thats what works for them thats good and no one elses business.
Question Seven Share a bit of your journey with us. Being on DeviantART helped me feel like I had a value doing something. My writing helped people, or thats what they said and so many people said it I struggled to ignore it. Eventually I tried other things (running online events for charity etc) and found that I could do things. I did have skills. I was capable of doing things. I tried to push myself by doing those things on a bigger scale. Writing, but at university. Event planning, but in the real world. Using a base where I knew I had succeeded before and pushing outward. DeviantART and my event planning business helped me leave the house again.
Question Eight Apart from treatment, what helps you cope? Music? (Share a clip) Movies? (Share some titles) Art/Writing? (Share some of your favourites) I stay busy. I don't recommend this, my doctors tell me usually this makes people worse and stressed out, but its what I have to do. If I am left alone with my thoughts I can spiral to suicidal within minutes. I keep my mind occupied at all times until exhaustion, then I sleep, and repeat. Sleep is my best friend. I recommend getting a dog. It saved my life (not hyperbolic).
Question Nine Any words of wisdom to end off with, either from you or quoted from someone else? There's this old phrase that goes something like 'courage is not the absence of fear, but the overcoming of it' that I cling to a lot. And when things get hard, I replace the word 'fear' with 'pain'. It hurts. I know it hurts. Keep going anyway. Because you have no option but to fight. Your brain wants you to survive, or else you wouldn't be reading articles like this searching for hope or inspiration or answers. So fight. Give up on giving up. If you have to fight then commit to it. And one day at a time, survive.
Volume #1 From Farand
Green pine trees, cranes and turtles… You must tell a story of your hard times, And laugh twice. — From Oiwai-Ondo
On 30 June 2015 I was diagnosed with Avoidant [Anxious] Personality Disorder:
Individuals with Avoidant Personality Disorder grow up with excessive social anxiety and withdrawal. They have a longstanding pattern of shyness, feelings of inferiority, and hypersensitivity to rejection/embarrassment. The core features of this disorder are: (1) negative emotion (anxiousness (fear of rejection/embarrassment)), and (2) detachment (withdrawal, intimacy avoidance, and anhedonia [decreased ability to feel pleasure]). This disorder is only diagnosed if: (1) it begins no later than early adulthood, (2) these behaviors occur at home, work, and in the community, and (3) these behaviors lead to clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
As the god Brilliantine says in Halldór Laxness's The Atom Station: 'I have always known that I was different from others.' Growing up, I had an overbearing mother, and was given over to thought. I thought so much that I was unable to take the fact of my own existence for granted, and was astonished that others apparently could. It is frightening indeed not to feel that one stands on firm existential foundations. How could others be so carefree, I wondered, and I so unhappy?
At this point it might help you to understand what I'm getting at if I share with you my first memory.
For Christmas Day 1991 or 1992 — I would have been four or five years old — my mother had bought me a yellow playhouse and some crayons, as well as a few other gifts. I was delighted. I went into the playhouse and drew on its walls with the crayons. My mother, discovering my handiwork, told me off. I couldn't understand why: after all, the playhouse was mine, the crayons were mine, and my action was causing nobody any harm — so where was the problem? At once, I felt two things: the first was that life was unfair; the second was that, far from being related to my mother, my only true relations were criminals — that is to say, others who had 'done naughty things'.
It's difficult to express just how significant this event has been on my life. The closest I can come is to say that I felt at the time like how I imagine Adam felt when he was ejected from Paradise. It was as though my psyche had been escorted out of Paradise by two grim-faced angels of truth. From that moment on, just like Adam, I was guilty.
This guilt manifested itself for the first time, as far as I can recall, at school. I didn't make friends very easily — feeling guilty, I felt unlikable. I regarded myself as a fraud, a sham. When, for example, a teacher paid me a compliment, I felt supremely uncomfortable because I felt that others were more deserving and that I had been complimented out of error. Yet I felt even more uncomfortable when criticised, for this intensified my feelings of guilt and confirmed my unhappy opinion of myself. Individuals with Avoidant Personality Disorder are extremely sensitive to criticism.
I found two people to hang around with at school; and while I did consider them my friends, I was aware that I was the outsider. They preferred each other's company to mine. At school, if a teacher told his or her students to pair up for a project, my friends would pair up with one another — and I felt as though some ghastly spotlight had been cast on me. I saw myself as I imagined others saw me: 'Jimmy's so stupid and unappealing! Even his own friends can't stand him. And now they've abandoned him.' If someone offered to pair up with me, I felt they were only doing so out of some sense of duty [what this duty might have been, I couldn't say], and I felt humiliated.
I don't suppose it helped that my two friends lived near one another, and I further away. My mother wouldn't allow me to socialise with them because, for reasons she never made clear, she didn't care for their families. I was frequently at a loss for words with her — feeling like an object under her keen gaze, I never knew what I could say to her that she would find novel or interesting. And so I never voiced my objections; I internalised them.
Painfully shy, I spent a lot of time alone in my bedroom watching television, playing computer games, and reading books — all the while 'gripped by a premonition of setting sail', as Arthur Rimbaud said. People with Avoidant Personality Disorder are prone to seeking refuge in fantasy worlds. As Friedrich Hölderlin put it in An die Hoffnung: 'O thou, daughter of the ether, appear to me from your father's gardens, and if you may not promise me mortal happiness, then frighten, O frighten my heart with something else.' I had painted for myself a golden future — I would be happy and confident, and have many friends. All I had to do was endure the present.
To do so, I would astral project myself into this golden future, cheat time, reassure myself that the unhappiness and loneliness I felt from thinking myself incapable of social intercourse would indeed pass away. When I lacked sufficient imagination to perform this trick, I would turn instead to books. Just as Alyosha Karamazov found sanctuary in a monastery, I found sanctuary in novels.
The Karamazovs became my friends, and Brilliantine, and many other literary characters. I was paralysed by doubt and self-hatred: real life was anxiety-provoking, social interaction dubious, guilt persistent, and the threat of meeting with the disapproval of others a constant possibility. But characters in novels got things done. Novels promised comfortingly safe certainties. Even if they suffered, the characters would, generally speaking, turn out all right. I sometimes regretted that I didn't exist only in print.
Things remained the same throughout college. And in my first year at university, I happened to be walking past one of the halls of residence when someone on the ground floor poked her head out of the window and started talking to me. Some of her friends were there, about seven or eight, men and women. She appeared very fond of me, as did her friends. I don't recall our conversation; but I do remember that we chatted for quite a long time, that she invited me in for coffee — and that I felt panicky. But I was skilled at hiding it.
[To expand on this point a little: Some people with anxiety disorders appear aloof and become withdrawn in social situations. But others, like myself, assume an air of confidence. I have often been told that I come across eloquently, intelligently, and confidently. Yet I have the persistent belief that I come across as 'the village idiot'. People with Avoidant Personality Disorder believe they're inferior to others, and strongly dislike themselves.]
I declined her kind offer, claiming to be busy; she suggested another time. Her friends encouraged me to accept, and I agreed. But I never returned. I had managed to convince myself that they were only being nice out of duty; and besides, had I not declined the offer to have coffee the first time? They would surely think: 'He's only here because he feels he has to be.' People with Avoidant Personality Disorder fear embarrassment, and they often withdraw from social events, even when they have no good reason not to: they will fabricate reasons, sometimes extremely far-fetched ones, in order to justify not making a commitment. Whether they read books or not, they crave, on some level, the comfortingly safe certainties of novels.
I had to withdraw from university because I had a breakdown. I became severely depressed [Avoidant Personality Disorder and depression have a high comorbidity], and isolated myself even more. I felt like Lord Lowborough in Anne Brontë's The Tenant of Wildfell Hall when he says: 'What you see in life I don't know — I see only the blackness of darkness.' So much for that golden future I had painted for myself!
I was hospitalised in May 2015 [I've written about that here]; and now I've received a diagnosis, I believe the present can be golden — and I've learned the present is what matters. Painting a golden future is a futile endeavour; for while one does it, the present, with all its opportunities for change, passes one by.
Simone de Beauvoir said in Force of Circumstance: 'Self-knowledge is no guarantee of happiness, but it is on the side of happiness, and can supply the courage to fight for it.' I have always chosen unhappiness over happiness; but now, armed with self-knowledge, I choose happiness over unhappiness. Behavioural change is difficult; and fears and doubts are powerful and persuasive — but they are neither invincible nor immortal. Why should unhappiness be my default? Why not happiness? I shall persevere. As Soichiro Honda put it: 'Nothing that was worth doing was ever easy.'
Farand was institutionalised before a diagnoses was able to be made. Often professionals have to 'put you away' to fully allow them to focus on you - I know when I was an 'inmate' of a psychiatric ward I was able to see the doctor as often as he came, there were trained nursing staff I could talk to when my doctor wasn't there and, ultimately, there was kindness for a fragile mind. I have yet to write my own story, as I have many, but Farand 's Notes on a Psychiatric Ward follow here (in case the link bums out)
John Forbes Nash, Jr., was one of the recipients of the 1994 Nobel Prize in Economics — but he nearly wasn't: the Nobel selection body had expressed concerns that he might embarrass them.
Mr Nash was a paranoid schizophrenic. His illness had led him to believe, among other things, that he had been charged with creating a new world government that would lead to his being crowned Emperor of Antarctica.
Some people might call such a belief mad. Mr Nash himself, acknowledging what he had been through, said: 'My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional — and back.'
The same might be said of my own quest.
After a long and interesting life, Mr Nash, along with his wife, died suddenly and needlessly in an automobile accident. I was on a psychiatric ward at the time.
The point of these brief, loosely-structured notes is to speak a little about some of my fellow patients, and to illuminate the often obscured truth that people with a mental illness are not embarrassing, as the Nobel selection body thought, but 'single individuals', as Søren Kierkegaard would have called them. But first, a few remarks about how I ended up on the ward.
In 2013, I suffered a rapid decline in my mental health. I stopped maintaining my personal hygiene, and wore the same jumper and pair of trousers without ever changing or washing them.
It is difficult to explain my reasons for doing this; indeed, the very word, 'reasons', suggests that rational motivations lay behind my behaviour — but this wasn't the case.
Any meaning with which I tried to furnish my existence plummeted quickly down a yawning, bottomless abyss, whose name was Futility.
I was gripped by a paranoid delusion in which several close friends of mine on DeviantArt were trying to humiliate me. When one of these friends received the Deviousness Award, I misinterpreted this as a personal slight.
I felt like I was sleepwalking through my existence; and I was restless from bad dreams.
I wanted to die; only, it seemed like the Angel of Death was standing passively by, arms folded, calmly watching as my sense of reality unraveled.
I watched television, and became catatonic. Time simultaneously froze and fast-forwarded. Days passed; nights passed. And I came to understand that, in Hell, one undergoes the same day ceaselessly. Sisyphus's case isn't exceptional.
I underwent the same day for two years. Then one day, I received a letter informing me I was to be visited at home by a representative of the Department for Work and Pensions to discuss a benefit I was claiming.
I greeted the representative wearing rotting clothes. With tears streaming down my dirty face, I told her, with all the clarity and emphasis I could manage, that I couldn't cope. She said she would put me in touch with a mental health team.
Several days later, on 15.05.15, the mental health team came to visit; but I didn't answer the door. They telephoned the fire service, who forced the lock on my door in order to gain entry into my house.
I was in bed: I was woken up. I was upset, because I thought I was hallucinating. A doctor was sent for, and I was taken to the ward.
On being admitted, I saw a genial young man whom I'll call Dr Roberts. [All names have been changed.] I sketched for him, as above, the outlines of my existential experience. Stanza IV of Robert Browning's Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came summarises with haunting precision how I felt:
For, what with my whole world-wide wandering, What with my search drawn out thro' years, my hope Dwindled into a ghost not fit to cope With that obstreperous joy success would bring, I hardly tried now to rebuke the spring My heart made, finding failure in its scope.
After being examined, I was shown to what would be my home for the next seven weeks — Room 18.
I didn't leave my room for the first three weeks, because I was highly anxious. I ate my meals alone, rather than at the dining tables with the other patients. I occasionally lost my temper, because I felt like I wasn't understood; and I was sectioned under Section II of the Mental Health Act [which authorises one's detention in hospital for up to 28 days].
With the support of an occupational therapist, I gradually spent more time out of my room. And I ended up spending a lot of time with my fellow patients.
The first patient I met was twenty-three years old. He had thick, dark hair tousled into long curls, and intense, green eyes. He put me in mind of a nineteenth-century poet: I don't think he would have seemed out of place sat beneath an oak tree, writing melancholy odes about a girl he used to love.
He approached me one afternoon as I was standing outside my room. With a wide grin on his beautiful face, he said: 'Hi. I'm Ryan.' He asked me whether I was going to go into the lounge area to watch television. When I replied that I was feeling anxious, he put an arm around my shoulders, put his face close to mine, and said: 'Don't worry. I won't let anyone do anything bad to you.'
Ryan had schizophrenia. He heard six or seven different voices. He told me about conversations he had had with Satan, and with 'a skinny guy' named Tyler. Ryan would occasionally touch my bottom whenever he was in one of his 'gay moods', and even pretended to make love to me several times. Once, I gave him a foot massage.
He liked to listen to the radio; and often, in between singing along to the songs, he would address Satan under his breath: 'I'm [insert full name here], and I'm not going to give you my soul.' Once I heard him say: 'Tyler's in trouble; he's going to die.'
I sometimes wondered, as I drifted off to sleep, how someone who inhabited such a terrifying mental universe could be so upbeat.
There were several schizophrenics on the ward, none of whom I got to know so well; though, I did have a brief conversation with one of them, Johnny. He told me that within each of us there reside many devils, which make us behave immorally. He asked me whether I believed in them: when I told him I didn't, he blamed my scepticism on their influence.
I met a talented writer named Tommy — who looked a great deal like Ryan, though he was no relation. I never learned why he was on the ward. [I never asked anyone why they were there: that was their business, not mine.]
We spoke a great deal about poetry. I recited a bit of John Keats to him [note: during those first three weeks, I memorised Ode on a Grecian Urn and Ode to a Nightingale]; and he was struck by the beauty of the language:
Darkling, I listen; and, for many a time, I have been half in love with easeful Death; Call'd Him soft names in many a mused rhyme, To take into the air my quiet breath. Now more than ever seems it rich to die, To cease upon the midnight with no pain, While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad In such an ecstasy! Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain: To thy high requiem become a sod.
He had filled several notebooks with his own poems, and made me a gift of one. I suggested that he create a DeviantArt account; but he thought his poems unworthy of a large audience.
I struck up a close friendship with a deeply depressed man named Jude. He was 6'3, and his kind, boyish face made him seem a decade younger than his thirty-four years. Jude was a creationist; and as creationists don't, generally speaking, possess a reputation for being tolerant of homosexual, feminist, agnostic atheists [of which I am one], you might be surprised that I was so very fond of him.
But that soft-spoken man had an appreciation for Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins, and wanted to know more about Charles Darwin. Not only that, but he was deeply troubled by the Problem of Evil [crudely stated: how can an omnipotent and omnibenevolent God allow suffering?].
The prophet Muhammad said: 'The greatest of wealth is the richness of the soul.' And Jude was wealthy indeed. His tremendous good character, and intellectual honesty, could serve as a lesson to anyone.
The last patient I'm going to talk about was a determined-looking man named Robert, who was also depressed. He had a fiancée and a baby son. Like a number of the other patients, he was very upbeat. You might never have guessed that he had tried to kill himself.
When I think of him — which I often do; and of the other patients as well — I'm reminded of what the Eskimo Qaqortingneq said to Knud Rasmussen:
'Oh! You strangers only see us happy and free of care. But if you knew the horrors we often have to live through, you would understand too why we are so fond of laughing, why we love food and song and dancing.'
One day, Robert was allowed overnight leave. He returned earlier than expected because he had made another attempt on his life. He was discharged not long after this. Just before he left, another patient touched him on the arm and said: 'Don't kill yourself. Remember your love for your little boy.'
As I didn't get to know the other patients very well, I shall end my narrative here.
To end off, Farand says the following: "Halldór Laxness's novel 'The Atom Station' helped me a lot during this time. Its characters are charming, and the author paints such a beautiful picture of his home country, Iceland." As well as: "This helped me to deal with my diagnosis, because it seemed to summarise how I felt so perfectly - indescribable, you must listen to understand:"
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